Archive for the ‘People We Might Want to Waterboard’ Category

By Your Royal Highness Anthony Liebrandt

I’m still not King, but it will happen.   I predicted it a few months ago in If I Were King…   Nothing in recent events have persuaded me that I should not plan for that eventuality.    As a subject in my kingdom you might as well get used to my new rules, so consider the following an Edict Draft for the proper behavior I will expect out of my many subjects as you travel in my airports and on my planes.The empathy that I’m showing You the Subjects by penning these Edicts now is that once I have ascended to the Throne, I will no longer care about these peasantry behaviors, but if I can record it now while I’m still just a commoner it will be fresh and ready to go.      

The lady on the left standing still will make a nice meal for some hungry sharks. The old man on the right will need to pick up the pace or he could be eaten by my alligators. A GETTY Photo.

EDICT 1:    No Standing on a Moving Walkway

(or as Brits refer to it,  The Travelator – and yes my kingdom will include you too, UK)

There will be nothing more despised in my Kingdom than standing still on a Moving Walkway.    If airport foot traffic consultants had wanted people to do anything other than walk on the Moving Walkway they would have named the hundred yard long conveyor belts Block-The-Right-with-your-Big-Ass-Block-the-Left-with-Your-Gigantic-Roller-Bag-Way.    

Confirming my suspicions, researchers from prestigious Universities like Princeton are now suggesting that it actually takes people longer to get through the airport using the Walkways.   I will be benevolent as King in many charitable areas, but not in this particular area.    Violators will be placed on a mile long walkway and forced to run in the the opposite direction of the belts.   If they are in good shape they will be fine.    But, if they can’t keep up, at the end of the belt there will be a slow flowing stream stocked with alligators.   That stream will flow into a shark tank, guarded at its banks by a family of lions.   

EDICT 2:   No Exiting the Plane Out of Turn

Planes have rows and while different airlines have different procedures on what order people board the plane.     When exiting the plane, you will debark from the first row to the last.   No exceptions, no cutting.   A few years ago I had only sired one male offspring and the future royal family traveled about a lot more than we do today in the era of the Many Dancing Princesses.   Traveling with only one kid is pretty much a piece of cake by comparison.   (As an aside, cake – and bread – will both be bountiful in my Kingdom, as a student of history I know what happened to Marie Antoinette).    

As we exited a plane in the Carolina territory of my future kingdom, this older couple traveling alone sitting in a row behind us quickly jumped out of their seats and stood in front of us in the aisle where they then had to wait for the door to open.    They just had to beat us to the door because we were Those People with a Kid People.  The horror!   As we waited for several minutes at the bag carousel, I look over and there They stood.   They didn’t even have a connecting flight.  Though I will make every effort as king to speed up the bag handling process, not once in the history of man have your bags been waiting for you as you arrived at the bag carousel so do not exit the plane before it is your turn.   

I have not yet identified these two culprits.   If they dare to still be alive during my Reign of Benevolence I will hire 1000 private investigators to search for them so that they can be made examples of throughout the land.  They will likely face a quick trial, a shorter appeal, and then they will be sentenced to serve 1000 hours of community service working in an orphan nursery changing diapers, reading stories and taking plane loads of children on cross-country field trips.     

 
 
 

A giddy Frank Buckles after being told that as the last living survivor of the First World War he gets an automatic preboard all my kingdom's flights. ...Okay vets of WWII and other wars may also preboard.

EDICT 3:   No Getting a pre-board pass for having an ear infection or a sore elbow

 

Just as you are to exit the plane in an orderly fashion you are also to conduct the pre-board process in an orderly fashion as well.     The proliferation of people in wheelchairs at airports is out of control.   While many folks are truly in need of a kind wheeled escort, there will be strict focus placed on its use.    If you are Frank Bruckles, who at 109 is the last remaining survivor of the first World War, you will get a pre-board pass and a guy named Ed will wheel you everywhere.    If you happened to fight in World War II, you will also get another guy named Ed to personally wheel you about the Terminal.   But, if you did not bear arms for our country and for every other activity in your life you walk about happily often with a skip, than you will be denied access to the pre-board pass, unless you have small children. (I still do, and I like playing that card).    When my children our older, I promise to keep the same policy.   Wink, wink. 

People who feign decrepidness and snag a preboard pass for illegitimate reasons will be wheeled down an eerie dark, damp jetway that is teeming with poisonous snakes.   Instead of being pushed by a nice guy named Ed, they will be pushed by a scary guy in a clown suit who could in fact be employed as an Ice Cream Man.     

EDICT 4:   Wearing flip-flops with jeans so that I have to look at your B.U.F. (Big Ugly Feet)

Of all the fashion trends that have destroyed American culture in the late 20th/early 21st centuries the proliferation of guys that wear jeans with open foot flip-flops is the most damning threat to our culture.   It’s a bigger threat than terrorism.   The foot is without question the most ugly and unsightly appendage on the human body, and especially on the male version of the species.    That’s part of it, but a flip-flop even for the male can be the proper choice of shoe in certain environs, like the beach, a resort, at a picnic – basically anywhere you are also wearing shorts.    If other dynamics force you to wear jeans, than you also need to get a pair of socks and some sneakers and cover those ugly things up.  

I’m sure that most people will quickly comply, but for violators of this Edict they should expect a quick judgement and the damnation of having to live in a giant shoe.   Picture Patrick Ewings shoe after a Knick game.   The foul odor of the big shoe will keep you up at night, which is a good thing because in the dark corners of the shoe lurks a denizen of black widow spiders spinning their silky deathtrap webs.     

EDICT 5:   Browsing your stupid People Sytlewatch magazine after 10pm on a late flight

When you are traveling late at night on a commercial plane, the roar of loud engines and the skyward thrust can be quite sleep inducing.   It is natural to nod off and sleep through the first call for service by the airline waitresses.   Maybe your long flight will be considerably shortened if you can sleep through most of it?  And then it happens, the lady behind you turns on her reading light.   Manufacturers of airline reading lights never quite grasped the importance of directional light flow, because when one lady is bored silly, her decision floods light in every direction across three rows of sleeping passengers.    Now oddly, some people are wired so that they elicit nary a flinch to the introduction of light over those three rows.    But, not your future King.      

It would be one thing if this culprit was right in the middle of an Oprah endorsed story that has all of the sisterhood a buzz, but instead she just pulled out People Magazine Stylewatch edition because she just has to know who’s wearing a puffy vest to Hollywood coffee shops.   At 10pm.  

Now my kingdom will have very high fashion standards, but you will not need to be piqued on them at 10pm on a cross-country flight.   If you have to violate this Edict, just understand that the penalty for turning on your reading light and waking up the entire plane is you will be taken to Shawshank Prison and lined up against a wall and subjected to torture by dozens of prison flood lights.    And further, you will be barred from ever getting to wear Carrie Underwood’s Puffy Vest.    

"Plaid Tights, Leather Jacket, Knee High Boots, Puffy Vest. What are the It Girls wearing right now? I'm going to turn on my reading light to look in People Stylewatch magazine to find out." ...Not in my Kingdom!!

Advertisements

Somewhere in a little used storage locker in Langley, VA’s CIA headquarters there is a perfectly good Water Board.    It hasn’t been used lately.   Earlier this decade it was in high demand.  I have a mental image of the Water Board being checked out by the guys on the CIA Facilities staff, much like they would check you out a laptop projection machine. 

Of all the things that George Bush got wrong during his tenure as Chief Executive, the use of torture was clearly not one of them.    Lament if you must his handling of the ill-conceived WMD scavenger hunt boondoggle along the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates otherwise known as the War in Iraq.   …Decry if you must that no special forces were sent up that mountain at Tora Bora when we had Osama pinned down in his cave.   Instead we relied on Afghan drug-dealing warlord thugs to do our bidding for us.  …Scorn if you must over the slow-footed Federal reaction to Lake Katrina.   

And then there is that final Bush blowback.   He was such a lousy President that the American public felt it was necessary to swarm the 2008 polls and vote for the most unlikely and unprepared President in American history(or at least since the last one we elected in 2000).   Eventually we will all be paying for that American overreaction.

2

Andy Sipowicz, a member of the Small Ball Report TV Character Hall of Fame. He was always good for a short sleeve shirt with a tie interrogation slap down on an unsuspecting perp. Tragically the show missed the mark whenever it gave one of its famous discretionary "tonight's show includes brief nudity" warnings and the brief nudity ends up being of Andy's ass and not one of the hot girl cops that they rotated through the show.

The one thing Bush did get right was the use of torture.   You didn’t hear the Small Ball Report publicly condone torture… mostly because we are not available via podcast.  It is something that we should only do in private and not talk about.   When NYPD Blue’s Andy Sipowicz needed to solve a case he’d loosen up his tie, roll up his sleeves (err, no he wore short sleeves and a tie like your math teacher) and perform the proverbial beat down.    Fifteen minutes later out came the note pad and the perp was singing like a canary.   

When the CIA memos were released earlier this year it detailed with a great deal of specificity the statistical number of times waterboarding was used on 9/11 mastermind K. Sheik Mohammed and his two terrorist scumbag friends.   (We could google their names to provide accuracy for this report, but that is more effort than they are worth).  Oddly, the interrogators must have their own team of statisticians on hand and you would almost wonder if one interrogator also has to sign the other interrogators score card at the end of a beat down like they do in golf.  

While the American media took exceptional umbrage to this event the majority of People on the Street Americans didn’t seem to care much.   Perhaps it’s a little hard to feel sorry for the personal liberties of thugs that were responsible for the most heinous crime ever committed on American soil.  Perhaps it’s difficult to play slow violin songs when hearing that 9/11 planners had a little bit of water dumped on them to simulate a drowning sensation – that they are still alive somewhere under the protection of due process is both what makes our country great, and at the same time perplexing.  

Even though the verdict has apparently been rendered and the water boards have been put back in the storage locker, there are a few candidates that the Small Ball Report would nominate for the technique.   The following five are are not exactly KSM heinous but these are very serious crimes against humanity in their own right.

Hippy Iran Hikers.     We should do our best to get the three hippy hikers that wandered into Iran freed from that authoritarian state.    And then after we send over George Mitchell or Jesse Jackson or Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton (you know its coming) to win their release we should waterboard them each 5 times for 30 seconds each.

Hippy Hikers in Happier Times. What would happen if three Iranians were hiking in Canada and they accidentally walked across the US border? Its likely they would be suspected of being up to no good.

Tour Company with the John Wilkes Booth Placard.    The Liebrandts recently visited Washington DC.   As we were walking across the street to the White House a slow-moving tour bus came to a stop.   In the window was your standard 8×11 paper placard as this tour company must have had multiple buses about town.    It said “John Wilkes Booth Bus”.   Are you kidding?  Were the other buses named Lee Harvey Oswald and Adolf Hitler and Devil.   You are talking about the guy that killed our second best President ever.    The owner of that bus company should be brought in and waterboarded 6 times for 25 seconds.

Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth. The Bad Actor. If you want your name on a Tour Bus 150 years from now, become an Assassin.

Miss California  USA Pageant Organizers.   This wholesome bunch of puritans are defending their honor in US court, they say “The integrity of the Miss California USA organization and the values it represents requires us to respond and present the truth.”     They want the $5200 back that they forked out to have former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s left and right boob augmented.   If a baseball team spent $5200 roiding up their clean-up hitter I would see a similar level of integrity.   So they are apparently not real afterall, but they are still spectacular.      The pageant organizers should be waterboarded 50 times for 10 seconds.   Double for Donald Trump. 

miss-california-carrie-prejean-lawsuitjpg-92ad0ba89ff48bf6_medium

With her $5200 breast investment all Carrie Prejean needed was a softball question where she could call for World Peace and Feeding Hungry Kids. Instead, the goofy gay guy asked her about gay marriage. That didn't turn out well.

Inventor of BCS College Football System and any current University President that still supports it.   As a fan of NFL football I will sometime see some sportswriting goofball post their NFL Power rankings on the internet.   It’s a rather ridiculous exercise because it doesn’t mean anything.   Smartly, the NFL has divisional champions and wild card teams that actually play each other on the field and determine two conference champions that square off in the Super Bowl.    College Football, however, is a popularity contest where pollsters create their own Power rankings and propel teams up and down.   If Bear Bryant once wore a fedora on your sideline its worth 20 imaginary points.   If Earl Campbell won a Heisman for you during the Ford Administration thats worth 35 imaginary points.  The whole system is only slightly less corrupt than the last Afghan vote.    We should round-up all the Presidents of the six BCS conferences and You Too President of Notre Dame and form a water board assembly line.

horns

Take it easy Bevo. Don't hook me with those horns just for thinking that maybe you haven't played anybody good this year.

Nancy Grace, of course.    Of all the smug cable news media personalities, Nancy Grace is over the top.   She fakes more compassion in a day than Mother Theresa exudes actual compassion in a week.    Her recent interview with Elizabeth Smart illustrates that perfectly.    Luckily, Elizabeth Smart for her part exudes as much toughness as Andy Sipowicz and beats down the news media perpetrator with her rolling eyes.                 

In an incredible series of events, Roman Polanski spilled his margarita and tripped over patio furniture as he fled from Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator.   He became yet another victim of NBC’s trickery as they dupe the unknowing Predator into pouring himself a cocktail while the lady with the iCarly school girl voice in the next room yells out, “Make your self comfortable, I’ll be right out.”

Chirs Hansen of NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator enjoying a cold margarita with a Predator.   Once they get a few minutes of footage there will 12 cops pinning this guys hands behind his back.

Chirs Hansen of Dateline NBC enjoying a cold margarita with a Predator. Once they get a few minutes of footage there will be 12 cops pinning this guys hands behind his back.

The Dateline NBC staple then features the Predator in Headlights look when – instead of the teeny bopper popping her head around the corner – there is the ever smug arrival of Chris Hansen with his “What are you REALLY here for, you’re here for sex aren’t you” interrogation.

The rouge works every time and Polanski should have known better, especially after that “large misunderstanding” that he had 30 years ago at Jack Nicholson’s house during his youthful mid 40s when he accidentally gave a 13 year old girl the wrong dosage of Quaalude and Champagne.  The 1977 episode was a real bummer for Polanski, the Chinatown Director, and it took a toll on his choice of movie sets.   Pleading guilty to the rape charges was a real pain in the ass and fleeing in the dark of Hollywood night was not ideal, but he would not let it get him down.   Instead, he decided to get away to Paris to blow off steam and scout out movie locations across France.  

His hard work and determination would pay off as movie audiences adored Natassja Kinski milking her English Dairy Farm cows in 1979’s Tess.   Polanski must have chuckled to himself as unsuspecting audiences had no idea that the scenes were shot from France, not the authoritarian pre-Lockerbie era UK regime which would have hassled him with a US extradition had he set foot on the English Island. 

Back in France he would have a wonderful canvas of French country sides and Parisian street for him to shoot his art, but Polanski’s real challenge was the dwindling choice of movie scripts to appeal to the American audience.    Undaunted, Polanski helped pen the 1988 Frantic, the story of – wait for it, wait for it – an American doctor visiting Paris, only to discover that his wife picked up the wrong nuclear bomb igniting suitcase at the airport.  Harrison Ford, having played the exact same role in a dozen other movies with different titles happily played the lead role.  

Roman Polanski circa 1977 Predator look.

Roman Polanski circa 1977 Predator look.

Polanski would have to thank his old friend again in 2002, when there was a mixup on which night the folks at the Academy Awards were handing out the Oscars.    Polanski must have had the wrong night in his Franklin Planner because when Ford read his name as Best Director winner for The Pianist, Polanski was no where to be found.   The Director must have been relieved to catch the telecast via satelite, though, and see that based on the lengthy ovation that the rest of Hollywood didn’t have any values, either.    And good old Harrison Ford would later personally deliver the Oscar to his old friend.   

Being a Predator in current day America is a very traumatic experience.   Chris Hansen humiliates you on TV.  You go to jail for several years to do hard time.   You get released, and you can’t live in certain places.   When you move into a new neighborhood the cops knock on your neighbors door asking them to be careful not to send a housewarming apple pie over to the new Predator living in that green house on the corner. 

One can only hope that this will not now be the fate of the great Roman Polanski.  We should thank Roman Polanski for escaping his 1977 encarceration, otherwise we would have never been blessed to see his great movies produced while under French protection.     Hopefully he continues to have the support of his many Hollywood friends to help him get through this difficult time.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

A week after a Clemson football fan’s nationally televised tirade went viral on the internet American Pie star Jason Biggs is speaking out against the backlash that he has received over the fact that the kid had copied his no parting hair style.

Jason Biggs above in 1999's American Pie gave the green light for young males to stop parting their hair.    Below a recent photo of Biggs with curls trying to distance himself from an insane look-a-like Clemson fan.

Jason Biggs above in 1999's American Pie gave the green light for young males to stop parting their hair. Below a recent photo of Biggs with curls trying to distance himself from an insane look-a-like Clemson fan.

The hair style where young males with really short straight hair choose to not part it to either the statistically most popular right, or left, or even down the middle, was made popular by Biggs, in his portrayal of desperately trying to get laid Jim Levinstein in the American Pie movies.

“I’ve taken enough abuse over the 3rd and 4th American Pie Movies and I wasn’t even in the 4th one, and now this,” Biggs told ACC Football Insider. “Just because a kid looks exactly like me and goes nuts over Clemson blowing a football game, doesn’t mean me and the dozens of other Americans that choose not to part our hair to the left or right need to get beat up over it.”

The Clemson fan, identified as Timmy Wilson of Greenville, SC had idolized Biggs performance in the American Pie movies. One would have guessed that was before he saw the debacle of the American Pie Wedding.   Wilson’s tantrum was caught live on tape by ESPN’s booth team of Chris Fowler, Craig James and Jesse Palmer.

Biggs remained defiant over his Clemson fan twin making a mockery of his monk like haircut, but meanwhile, in a move that may have been made to distance himself, new tabloid photographic evidence suggested that Biggs had started to grow and curl his hair.   This technique is popular with young men who have an aversion for combing hair parts to the right or left, in compliance with the rest of society.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete.  In this picture he appears to be playing for rec team in the Atlanta area

Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete. In this picture he appears to be playing for a YMCA rec team in the Atlanta area

Bowing to dog lover backlash, the Small Ball Report announced late yesterday that it will not pursue a contract to add former Dirty Bird Report satirist Michael Vick to its talented stable of writers.   The fast growing Internet website cited the likely imbroglio that it would receive from weird, crazy people who happen to love dirty, foul smelling, bad breath, flea bait, window-screen destroying dogs.   And worse, some of these people also love dogs that can’t even chase down a frisbee.

“Clearly we don’t condone his past behavior as a torturer of canines,” said Small Ball founder Anthony Liebrandt.   “But, at the same time we felt that he did deserve a second chance.”  

Liebrandt went on to state that his courtship of Vick as a writer in no way was due to the fact that his own dog had gotten him out of bed six different times to be let outside to drop lawn steaks the night before the annual Liebrandt Luau.

“Yes, it’s been stated before,” Liebrandt said. “I don’t really like my dog that much.   And I don’t like scooping up backyard poo.  That’s why I will mow 2-3 times a week.   It all just gets chopped up in the mower that way.   And, let me be clear.  In no way do I condone the sport of dog fighting… Especially when there is perfectly good Cock out there that can fight.”

Although he didn’t clarify the Cock statement further, it was assumed that Liebrandt was referring to the fighting of farm raised chickens with no feelings (unlike dogs), and not the Ultimate Fighting Championship series. 

It was a difficult decision for the Small Ball Report which had considered Vick’s unconventional Wildcat writing style to be hugely entertaining.   Never a strong writer with scholarly sentence structure, attribution, and flowery words, Vick really excelled when he was allowed to escape the pocket of grammatical and punctuational norms.

Like in the following excerpt from the 2006 Dirty Bird Report:

     Four Paws Ho bludgeons opponent in feature match at Bad Newz Kennel.

     By Michael Vick of the Dirty Bird Report

     “Yo-yo.  It wuz on like the Kong last night. What a show! as Four Paws Ho and Ernie Wet Ear went warlord at the Kennel.  My beautiful bitch ho Four Paws couldn’t be stopped and Ernie dint have much ghetto in him.   I told those gangster trainers they shoun’t have caged him with my HO.    My HOOOOO!  

 

Clearly a talented wordsmith, the question is what now for Vick.  “Obviously we support the fact that Michael Vick can again pursue his career blogging on the Internet,” Liebrandt said.  

But, Michael Vick will pose several issues to any Blog that might consider signing him, besides the negative publicity and the 19-month layoff from honing his formidable bantering and quip factory.  For starters, will internet Founder and Commissioner Al Gore fully reinstate the scrambling poetic dynamite to blog again.   And if that happens, will there be any interested parties lining up to give Vick a new company laptop and blogspot log in.   Jerry Jones who runs the openly gay How Bout Them ‘Boys Report is a man who has given chances in the past to controversial playmakerwrights like Terrell Owens and Adam “Pac Man” Jones.   

“Probably not this time because even though Pac Man was involved in an altercation that led to the shooting death of a human being, at least no dogs were harmed,” said Jones as he was being licked in the face by his shitzu.   

Some critics have also lambasted his range of literary skill. 

“We are not talking about a Liebrandtian level of intellect here,” said Jim Mora Jr. the former nighttime managing editor at the Dirty Bird Report.  “What we got when Vick was blogging for us was the usual stories about where to find the best dog muzzle, and pick or pan, how good was brother Marcus Vick’s bag of weed.”

“He just couldn’t give you the uplifting, cry a river of tears animal stories,” Mora Jr. continued.  “Stories like you would find on The Small Ball Report website about the heroic dolphin named Moko, and that ball-less Gelding horse named Mine That Bird.

And what of the considerable debts that Vick incurred?  When he was forced to vacate the lucrative Dirty Bird Report signing bonus his only choice was to abate that debt via bankruptcy.    And now, he must consider writing for the blogosphere league minimum salary of a measly $620,000 a year.   That is not a lot of money for someone of such endearing wit and wordmanship.

So with the Small Ball Report’s rebuke another big Internet name has passed up the one time 5 Star storyteller.   One person hasn’t lost confidence in Vick.   Frank Beamer, the legendary head of the Virginia Tech Hokies Writers Workshop perhaps said it best, “At the end of the day someone with Michael’s talent is going to be given a second chance.    He might start off writing Haikus under a different pen name, but he will break loose again.   Now, I’m not going let him dog sit my cocker spaniel, but the blog, that’s what he was born to do.”  

For more half-truths and outright lies visit The Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

By Anthony Liebrandt or if you prefer Your Royal Highness

One day I will become King.   I say this because I have very lofty goals for myself.   Some may dream of being President.   I consider that office job to be beneath me.  I would never put up with the pundits sniping at my choice of this summer’s war zone, or getting all knit-picky at the breed selections of the First Family dog and Supreme Court nominee.

In this most acrimonious of times it may be ripe to throw out our quasi-democracy and again return to the throes of a monarchy.   If that should happen, with the King of Pop dead and the King of All Media in a Sirius Radio exile, the throne could be mine.  As a large Midwestern landowner (one acre) and a rapidly growing website (almost 7.5 page views per day) my chances of landing the King title is picking up momentum.

What would my Kingdom look like?   Instead of laws that are difficult to decipher by the most sophisticated scholars, my Manifestos will be easy to follow, they are:

In my kingdom…there will be no Next Big Thing in internet social networking.  I’m tired of having to update Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Classmates, Bebo, Friendster, LinkedIn, Flickr, my old blog, and my new website every time I have a new witty thought about trash pickup while I’m sitting on the can.  The next college dropout nerd that creates another social networking widget from his garage will be tied up in that garage underneath the automatic door as I press the door opener 100 times.  

In my kingdom… the media will not use the words ‘Steps Out’ one more time in a headline about Jon Gosselin.  Jon ‘Steps Out’ on Kate has now been replaced with Jon ‘Steps Out’ To Get a Donut and Coffee at Dunkin.  In fact, if anyone tells me one more time where that hair-plugged dufuss is today they will be tied up in a room with 20 big screens playing Kate’s testimonial segment on a loop.   My media will only report the activities of actual celebrities, like myself and that kid old man that play’s Harry Potter.

In my kingdom… my favorite baseball team will win the World Series every year.  Opposing pitchers who are caught throwing curves, sliders, cutters, forks, split fingers, or knucklers at my batters will be tied to a chair after the game and repeatedly beaned by a pitching machine.  Fans of other teams needn’t fret, I’ve had 5 different favorite baseball teams, and since my current favorite team is in last place, I’m currently shopping for another.   I’m waiting until October to make my selection.  

In my kingdom…If you are on the royal plane with me – and for economy, I’ll let a handful of serfs on each flight – you may take your shoes off and get comfortable, but if you walk into the bathroom with bare feet, I will have my stewardesses tie you up and throw my shoes at your head.   And since I’m King, I’ll have a lot of shoes.

In my kingdom…CBS will be required to review all of its ideas for new television shows with me before they are released each fall.  If they even think about adding one more damn CSI show, like CSI Grand Rapids or Topeka, I will tie up the producers in my living room and throw all 13 of my remote controls at them.  I will carefully time my tirade to coincide with the arrival of the NBC Law and Order executives so they don’t get the wrong idea as well.    

In my kingdom…I will encourage everyone to love and experience the joy of a good dog or cat.   But anyone that devotes a half page in their Christmas letter to Spike or Jezebel or tells me, that they don’t have kids, unless you count Scout the Dog and Zoe the Cat, ha ha, will be tied up at a reunion of the adopted Michael Vick dogs to check to see how well those pit bulls have dealt with their trauma.

In my kingdom…Although I will no longer be using public transportation, myself, if someone tells me that you were babbling on your cell phone for the full 30 minute express train ride to downtown, I will have my viceroys tie you up and chuck my drawer full of old cell phones at you.    Starting with the first one I had that was just smaller than a brick.

So my servants, as long as you can obey these few simple manifestos you will find my Kingdom to be a tranquil place.  I plan to be a benevolent King.   And since I don’t plan to dismantle all of the foundations of capitalism, as a stock pick you might consider 3M.    They make rope.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

If it weren’t for the reality show there wouldn’t be much to watch on TV these days. I enjoy the genre, especially when it features 100 young girls trying out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. This proves I’m open-minded because I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I also watch every season of Survivor and the Amazing Race. Oddly, even though I’m known as a Lord of the Dance caliber dancer, I don’t tend to watch shows that showcase actual talent.

Despite this, one show that you would have to bribe me to watch is Jon & Kate Plus 8. I’d rather eat 38 peas or lima beans or a mixed collection of other wretched tasting vegetables that I often have to eat to dupe my own kids into thinking vegetables taste good. Though not a plugged in viewer to this TLC Network train wreck, I disagree with the family first do-gooders in our society calling for the couple to abandon the fast growing Gosselin Enterprise to tend privately to family matters.

Instead, they should do just the opposite – they need to double down on anything that keeps them in the limelight because their current notoriety won’t last forever. And when it’s over, the real reality show begins.

It is odd that a show so unwatchable has caught the conversational interest of the entire public. I’ve been told by my editor not to say, “I’ve never watched the show”. In an odd twist, she claims that being on the same floor in the house while it is on TV, qualifies me for someone who has watched it. She may be right. In fact, I couldn’t claim that it was such a horrible show if I hadn’t peaked at it just a little, right? But, to prove my disinterest bonafides, I can’t tell you the name of one single Gosselin kid.

If you haven’t watched it, the Gosselins have more kids than a mother duck trying to teach her kids to swim at a city park. And much like a city park duck reliant on visiting school children to feed her ducklings’ bread crumbs, the Gosselins have collected many crumb morsels recently via TV shows, books and speaking engagements, banking on their unique family story. As an aside, the fact that people pay Kate Gosselin $7 to $10k to speak about anything is the current case study for our societal demise.

And then the jackpot event happened!

If it wasn’t planned, it should have been. Recently, tabloids reported that Jon and Kate both had outside the marriage dalliances. What happened next was among the most amazing things perhaps in the history of adultery, dating at least back to Roman times when Caligula was known to bonk his sister without much protest from Roman Female Op-Ed writers of that time, the majority of women viewers came to the defense of Jon’s infidelity on the basis of, “Can you blame him, Kate is such a Bitch!”

Instead of viewers leaving the show based on principle, the new season has come out with double the viewers, which proves they need to capitalize on this current imbroglio now, while they still can.

I’m not suggesting that they start showing Jon being filmed getting table dances at the strip club, or by contrast, Kate doing the unthinkable and appear to be charming and nice to someone. Of those two options I would favor the former. What I am suggesting is put the real reality out there, and let us see it.

If the real life outcome is divorce, why not film the divorce proceedings in all its sordid, messy detail right there in the confessional segments. Why not show us how a separated Jon and Kate shuttle their 8 kids back and forth from the mini-mansion to Jon’s two bedroom townhouse every weekend. Why not show us one or two good catty moments between Kate and the Lewinsky.  

That seems like way more of a “Reality” offering than the current crap the show gives you in its let’s get all the kids on the school bus and go to another amusement park or pumpkin patch. “That was a fun day at the park.” “Yes, that was a good time.” Insert puke here.

Now some may say you can’t do that, it would be very harmful to the children. The children should come first. Stop the cameras and get back to spending quality time raising your family. Put your house back in order.

People that think that way don’t realize that the children are already screwed because their family opened up their entire lives to a gawking public. It’s hard to blame – and I don’t – the Gosselins for their gamble. Perhaps it was the early recognition as parents that they were in way over their heads, financially and emotionally. People with only one child in today’s economy are struggling to raise enough funds to make mortgage payments, and save for college, retirement and trips to the Circus.

Further, it’s hard for families of 10 to get out of the house a lot without a reliance on others. How do you go to a movie and find a babysitter or fleet of babysitters that can help? How do you go away for a weekend of snowboarding to recharge? The answer is you never can. I’m sure many neighbors, friends, and family pitched in early on, but eventually the reality sets in and people realize – wow, I just helped the Gosselin’s by watching 8 little kids, that sucked.

Instead, they hit the TLC Network lottery and have – for now – a bankroll for the family freak-show. It won’t last forever. I’m guessing they are spending big right now as simple family of 10 economics, mixed with $1.3 Million house, mixed with taking more cruise vacations than Thurston Howell have illustrated. It used to be said that it costs $1 Million to raise a kid. It seems high, but probably not by much.   

So even if they had a couple million banked right now that would probably run out by the middle of Obama’s second term. And, then what? Then you are left with a broke couple that still hates each other and a bunch of kids resenting them both for it, and wondering why they haven’t been back to Disneyland in 3 years.