If I Were King…

Posted: July 24, 2009 in People We Might Want to Waterboard

By Anthony Liebrandt or if you prefer Your Royal Highness

One day I will become King.   I say this because I have very lofty goals for myself.   Some may dream of being President.   I consider that office job to be beneath me.  I would never put up with the pundits sniping at my choice of this summer’s war zone, or getting all knit-picky at the breed selections of the First Family dog and Supreme Court nominee.

In this most acrimonious of times it may be ripe to throw out our quasi-democracy and again return to the throes of a monarchy.   If that should happen, with the King of Pop dead and the King of All Media in a Sirius Radio exile, the throne could be mine.  As a large Midwestern landowner (one acre) and a rapidly growing website (almost 7.5 page views per day) my chances of landing the King title is picking up momentum.

What would my Kingdom look like?   Instead of laws that are difficult to decipher by the most sophisticated scholars, my Manifestos will be easy to follow, they are:

In my kingdom…there will be no Next Big Thing in internet social networking.  I’m tired of having to update Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Classmates, Bebo, Friendster, LinkedIn, Flickr, my old blog, and my new website every time I have a new witty thought about trash pickup while I’m sitting on the can.  The next college dropout nerd that creates another social networking widget from his garage will be tied up in that garage underneath the automatic door as I press the door opener 100 times.  

In my kingdom… the media will not use the words ‘Steps Out’ one more time in a headline about Jon Gosselin.  Jon ‘Steps Out’ on Kate has now been replaced with Jon ‘Steps Out’ To Get a Donut and Coffee at Dunkin.  In fact, if anyone tells me one more time where that hair-plugged dufuss is today they will be tied up in a room with 20 big screens playing Kate’s testimonial segment on a loop.   My media will only report the activities of actual celebrities, like myself and that kid old man that play’s Harry Potter.

In my kingdom… my favorite baseball team will win the World Series every year.  Opposing pitchers who are caught throwing curves, sliders, cutters, forks, split fingers, or knucklers at my batters will be tied to a chair after the game and repeatedly beaned by a pitching machine.  Fans of other teams needn’t fret, I’ve had 5 different favorite baseball teams, and since my current favorite team is in last place, I’m currently shopping for another.   I’m waiting until October to make my selection.  

In my kingdom…If you are on the royal plane with me – and for economy, I’ll let a handful of serfs on each flight – you may take your shoes off and get comfortable, but if you walk into the bathroom with bare feet, I will have my stewardesses tie you up and throw my shoes at your head.   And since I’m King, I’ll have a lot of shoes.

In my kingdom…CBS will be required to review all of its ideas for new television shows with me before they are released each fall.  If they even think about adding one more damn CSI show, like CSI Grand Rapids or Topeka, I will tie up the producers in my living room and throw all 13 of my remote controls at them.  I will carefully time my tirade to coincide with the arrival of the NBC Law and Order executives so they don’t get the wrong idea as well.    

In my kingdom…I will encourage everyone to love and experience the joy of a good dog or cat.   But anyone that devotes a half page in their Christmas letter to Spike or Jezebel or tells me, that they don’t have kids, unless you count Scout the Dog and Zoe the Cat, ha ha, will be tied up at a reunion of the adopted Michael Vick dogs to check to see how well those pit bulls have dealt with their trauma.

In my kingdom…Although I will no longer be using public transportation, myself, if someone tells me that you were babbling on your cell phone for the full 30 minute express train ride to downtown, I will have my viceroys tie you up and chuck my drawer full of old cell phones at you.    Starting with the first one I had that was just smaller than a brick.

So my servants, as long as you can obey these few simple manifestos you will find my Kingdom to be a tranquil place.  I plan to be a benevolent King.   And since I don’t plan to dismantle all of the foundations of capitalism, as a stock pick you might consider 3M.    They make rope.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

  1. […] still not King, but it will happen.   I predicted it a few months ago in If I Were King…   Nothing in recent events have persuaded me that I should not plan for that eventuality.    […]

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