Jon & Kate, Exploit This!

Posted: June 4, 2009 in People We Might Want to Waterboard

If it weren’t for the reality show there wouldn’t be much to watch on TV these days. I enjoy the genre, especially when it features 100 young girls trying out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. This proves I’m open-minded because I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I also watch every season of Survivor and the Amazing Race. Oddly, even though I’m known as a Lord of the Dance caliber dancer, I don’t tend to watch shows that showcase actual talent.

Despite this, one show that you would have to bribe me to watch is Jon & Kate Plus 8. I’d rather eat 38 peas or lima beans or a mixed collection of other wretched tasting vegetables that I often have to eat to dupe my own kids into thinking vegetables taste good. Though not a plugged in viewer to this TLC Network train wreck, I disagree with the family first do-gooders in our society calling for the couple to abandon the fast growing Gosselin Enterprise to tend privately to family matters.

Instead, they should do just the opposite – they need to double down on anything that keeps them in the limelight because their current notoriety won’t last forever. And when it’s over, the real reality show begins.

It is odd that a show so unwatchable has caught the conversational interest of the entire public. I’ve been told by my editor not to say, “I’ve never watched the show”. In an odd twist, she claims that being on the same floor in the house while it is on TV, qualifies me for someone who has watched it. She may be right. In fact, I couldn’t claim that it was such a horrible show if I hadn’t peaked at it just a little, right? But, to prove my disinterest bonafides, I can’t tell you the name of one single Gosselin kid.

If you haven’t watched it, the Gosselins have more kids than a mother duck trying to teach her kids to swim at a city park. And much like a city park duck reliant on visiting school children to feed her ducklings’ bread crumbs, the Gosselins have collected many crumb morsels recently via TV shows, books and speaking engagements, banking on their unique family story. As an aside, the fact that people pay Kate Gosselin $7 to $10k to speak about anything is the current case study for our societal demise.

And then the jackpot event happened!

If it wasn’t planned, it should have been. Recently, tabloids reported that Jon and Kate both had outside the marriage dalliances. What happened next was among the most amazing things perhaps in the history of adultery, dating at least back to Roman times when Caligula was known to bonk his sister without much protest from Roman Female Op-Ed writers of that time, the majority of women viewers came to the defense of Jon’s infidelity on the basis of, “Can you blame him, Kate is such a Bitch!”

Instead of viewers leaving the show based on principle, the new season has come out with double the viewers, which proves they need to capitalize on this current imbroglio now, while they still can.

I’m not suggesting that they start showing Jon being filmed getting table dances at the strip club, or by contrast, Kate doing the unthinkable and appear to be charming and nice to someone. Of those two options I would favor the former. What I am suggesting is put the real reality out there, and let us see it.

If the real life outcome is divorce, why not film the divorce proceedings in all its sordid, messy detail right there in the confessional segments. Why not show us how a separated Jon and Kate shuttle their 8 kids back and forth from the mini-mansion to Jon’s two bedroom townhouse every weekend. Why not show us one or two good catty moments between Kate and the Lewinsky.  

That seems like way more of a “Reality” offering than the current crap the show gives you in its let’s get all the kids on the school bus and go to another amusement park or pumpkin patch. “That was a fun day at the park.” “Yes, that was a good time.” Insert puke here.

Now some may say you can’t do that, it would be very harmful to the children. The children should come first. Stop the cameras and get back to spending quality time raising your family. Put your house back in order.

People that think that way don’t realize that the children are already screwed because their family opened up their entire lives to a gawking public. It’s hard to blame – and I don’t – the Gosselins for their gamble. Perhaps it was the early recognition as parents that they were in way over their heads, financially and emotionally. People with only one child in today’s economy are struggling to raise enough funds to make mortgage payments, and save for college, retirement and trips to the Circus.

Further, it’s hard for families of 10 to get out of the house a lot without a reliance on others. How do you go to a movie and find a babysitter or fleet of babysitters that can help? How do you go away for a weekend of snowboarding to recharge? The answer is you never can. I’m sure many neighbors, friends, and family pitched in early on, but eventually the reality sets in and people realize – wow, I just helped the Gosselin’s by watching 8 little kids, that sucked.

Instead, they hit the TLC Network lottery and have – for now – a bankroll for the family freak-show. It won’t last forever. I’m guessing they are spending big right now as simple family of 10 economics, mixed with $1.3 Million house, mixed with taking more cruise vacations than Thurston Howell have illustrated. It used to be said that it costs $1 Million to raise a kid. It seems high, but probably not by much.   

So even if they had a couple million banked right now that would probably run out by the middle of Obama’s second term. And, then what? Then you are left with a broke couple that still hates each other and a bunch of kids resenting them both for it, and wondering why they haven’t been back to Disneyland in 3 years.

  1. Laura says:

    …and wondering why their mother has a reverse mullet that makes her look like a cockatoo….

  2. Small Ball Saturday says:

    Reader Laura:

    Your poignant comment has given us an idea for our next story.

    Men who love cock…atoo haircuts.


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