Archive for the ‘It’s the Thought that Counts’ Category

Merry Thoughts

Posted: December 16, 2009 in It's the Thought that Counts

1:  In a public statement Santa Claus took responsibility for crashing his sleigh into a neighbor’s tree at 2:30 AM.  Asking for privacy, he also revealed that the nude photos of Mrs. Claus circulating on the internet are not real.

2: To entertain the other reindeer on Christmas night, Vixen will often belt out her hit song “Edge of a Broken Heart”. All the reindeer love it, except for that jerk-wad Prancer who claims that Vixen is no Lita Ford.

When the Grinch and Eric Holder square off in a New York court, many of the opposition party are saying that reckless secrets could get out on Just How the Grinch stole Christmas. And, what might that effect be on our national security.

3:  Bending to Republican pressure, Attorney General Eric Holder has changed course and will now seek a military tribunal on charges that The Grinch Stole Christmas. 

4: In a lead-up to next weeks Global Environmental Summit in Copenhagen, Santa Claus has announced that he will use only Clean Burning Coal in naughty kids’ stockings this year.

5:  I’m fed up with always mistiming the investments in my portfolio.   I’m pretty sure Gold is overvalued right now, but I’m torn on whether I should invest my Christmas Bonus in Frankincense or Myrrh. 

6:  With news that Santa’s Workshop has been closed and transported to factories in China, many are blaming recent gains made by the Elf Union in fatter pensions and expanded milk and cookie breaks. 

7: Early settler kids used to hang their own diminutive socks from the mantle.  Kids today hang stockings so large that a Shaq O’Neil suffering from Gout would find them comfortable.  

8: When Grandma got ran over by a reindeer she was frustrated that the reindeer had an expired license and no insurance card.

9:  Santa Claus has filed an Intellectual Property claim against the musical group The Killers for asking: “Are We Human or are we Dancer?”  The claim states that unless you have 4 hoofs and eat buckets of oats you are not a Reindeer. 

10: Elin Woods said that on the Second Day of Christmas Her True Love Gave to Her news that maybe she might want to have some blood work done…and an Escalade in a Tree.

11:   When Blitzen let Dasher know that he thought the other reindeer had a “Nice Rack” he never thought it would land him in hot water with the HR Department.  

Little seven year old Douglas Fir had it all. A caring family that seeded him. Plenty of nutricious food. Until that day he was chopped down in the prime of his life.

12:   I just had a heated argument with The Ghost of Christmas Past.  He is still acting like a little girl over not getting a name drop in October’s 31 Spooky Thoughts.  So no way will I mention him in this series. 

13: I’m stoked that my wife signed up for the Adopt a Family program this Christmas. I think some kids will be really excited about their new toys and I’m hoping I get a new set of screwdrivers.

14:    Children of the world are reeling on news that Santa Claus’ Sleigh Company is now charging him for the Second Bag.  

15:  Whenever I have business meetings in Bethlehem on the Palestinian West Bank, I’ll usually do the Priceline Negotiator. I read somewhere that it’s hard to get a room there.  

16:   It is an epidemic that wipes out 28 million every year, so the parents of seven year-old Douglas Fir are doing everything they can this year to save his life.  If you’d like to donate to this cause send me $20 via Paypal. 

17:   I stupidly stayed with Santa’s Reindeer as my fantasy Defense on Sunday, even though I knew the Budweiser Clydesdales would really expose them in the run game.  And the Clydesdales had a better kicker.  

18:   I’m notoriously bad with directions, but yesterday I nearly puked when the kids checked the mailbox and their Santa letters had been Returned to Sender because we had accidentally sent them to the South Pole.

19:  On a Christmas roadtrip this week and I’m kicking myself.  We were getting ready to Deck the Halls last night, but I stupidly forgot to pack any of my Gay Apparel. Fa La La La La, La La La La. 

20:   Who doesn’t love watching Christmas movies this time of year?   My favorite is the Rudolph story and how his hard work and determination allowed him to overcome his small size to finally get on the field and make a tackle in his last game at Notre Dame. 

21:  I was Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire last night.   I had hoped to find Jack Frost nipping at my nose, but I’m in California on vacation this week so I had to make due with Jack Daniels.  

22: Twas the Night Before Christmas and Homicide had another Crime Scene.   Earlier a mouse was stirring when his innocent peanut butter addiction led him to a slaughter execution style in the irons of a spring loaded mouse trap.  

23:   The Ghost of Christmas Future told me that in 2050 I’ll have to spend 3 months of Social Security buying gifts for 42 kids, grandkids, spouses and great-grandkids.  He suggested a new lifestyle of chain smoking, binge drinking and gluttonous levels of cholesterol.

24: I knew better than to hope for a White Christmas because I wasn’t raised that way. I don’t see color. I am not a racist.

25:   I was very excited this morning when Santa Claus got me what I wanted this year, a brand new shiny Quip Machine.   My old one was getting tired and running out of batteries.

Advertisements

To those dedicated Small Ball Report readers, we are sorry we’ve been away for a couple of weeks, blame it on the very distracting allure of College Football and its evil twin Pro Football, and its equally evil 3rd twin (eh triplet) that was eaten in the womb by the other evil twin Fantasy Football.

We should ban all football, but let’s wait until February.  It’s not just us, if you hadn’t noticed our nation’s GDP teeters a little in the 4th quarter of every year, and it is directly attributable to football season.

While we were out we created a first volume of Spooky Thoughts for the the Small Ball Report’s favorite month, October! 

Why do all the Hot Chicks have to fall for the Bad Boys?

Why do all the Hot Chicks have to fall for the Bad Boys?

1. In the remake of Bridges of Madison County, writers plan to insert Trolls under the bridges this time to make the movie watchable.

2. In an effort to sooth racial tensions. The head Ghoul sat down with the leader of the Goblins. The Goblin community didn’t appreciate the Ghoul suggesting that all Goblins look alike.

3. Five little Headless Horsemen were jumping on the bed. One fell off. But because he didn’t have a head to bump his mommy would never call the doctor.

4. In yet another signal that she wants to be a Bad Girl, my daughters American Girl Doll has been seen about town dating Chucky.

5. The latest Rasmussen Poll confirms that Americans are no longer in favor of Anything, and children no longer fear Ogres. Damn You Shrek!

6. A Soccer Mom picked her way through her kid’s yet again messy room…Just then…Noticing It she screamed, dropping her Pledge can, as she saw scribbled on the mirror in her son’s handwriting: “Aren’t you glad you didn’t turn on the Light?”

7. Breaking news! Jack-O-Lantern steps out on wife Jill. Jill-O-Lantern takes 3 of her 8 Baby Gords to Dude Ranch to film 108th consecutive boring-ass episode, a new TV record.

8. I’m OK with wearing an outfit that is well used, but I can’t decide if I should go to the Halloween Party dressed up as a Pirate or Michelle Duggar’s Uterus.

9. I’m really fed up with my drinking buddy the Headless Horsemen. Whenever we go on a bender together, he’s always so cocky about how he never gets a hangover.

10. Weather Report: Frigid record low temperatures across Midwest cause massive panic of a prolific spawn of Abominable Snowmen. Al Gore changes mind on global warning, to return Nobel Prize.

11. In a surprise turn, Birthers Movement nut jobs have conceded on Obama’s birth certificate, but are now attacking Shrek’s claim that he was born in Far Far Away Land.

Casper may now marry his boyfriend in about 10 US States.   California is not one of them.

Casper may now marry his boyfriend in about 10 US States. California is not one of them.

12. Knowing that the Nina and Pinta were haunted, Christopher Columbus would often yell “I’ve got Shotgun” as he walked past the Santa Maria’s boat slip.

13. I wasn’t surprised yesterday when Casper The Friendly Ghost became the latest to call for an end to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I always thought he was that kind of Friendly.

14. When I read the email from my boss I dropped my wireless mouse. All it said was “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. Had he discovered my middle of the work day blog entries?

15. I was given permission for October only to add someone Spooky to my List. Sadly Elvira Mistress of the Dark is not what she used to be.

16. Spooky Thoughts goes to Washington. I’ve decided to wear an outfit for next weeks Marine Corp Marathon. I’m going to dress up as a nearly forty, fat, out-of-shape white guy who should have trained more.

17. You know they shouldn’t do sequels when you hear that in the next Field of Dreams Shoeless Joe Jackson’s all stars are going to scrimmage with the Children of the Corn.

18. Whenever the young Witch would eat her bowl of Witches Brew, it was quite common for her to save a few of the delicious eye balls for last.

19. The planned Spooky Celebrity Wife Swap between the Munsters and the Addams Family has been cancelled in the wake of publicity hound Herman Munster faking son Eddie’s getaway balloon incident.

20. Sadly the babysitter would never be warned that “The Call is Coming From Inside the House” because her little brother had sold the family’s antique rollover minutes at the yard sale.

21. Sarah Palin continues to take fire on whether Going Rogue was written by a ghost writer. I don’t believe that because it would be very hard for a ghost to type with a sheet over his or her head.

Courtney_Gains

If Malachi can throw strikes like he did in Children of the Corn, Shoeless Joe might have a tough time at the plate.

22.   Seemingly late weighing in, my HOA was the latest to condemn the Salem Witch Trials. They say burning Witches at the Stake is actually a violation of the new No Burn rule and a $50 fine.

23.   In a blatant attempt to appeal to male readers, the next Twilight book will be called Blue Moon. It features a family of Umpires named the Cullens. …Tormented by a Hops Culture, they only drink Wheat Beer.

24.  Organizers of the Spooky Miss California USA pageant are taking fire for reportedly paying for the Wicked Witch of the West’s nose wart augmentation surgery 

25.   I finished today’s DC Marine Corp Marathon just in time. Arlington National workers had chisels out getting ready to etch my name on the Tomb of the Unfinished Marathoner.  

26.   I rubbed my head as I awoke from my Flash Forward. It was November. Iowa was 12-0. All they needed was Texas to lose the Big 12 Championship game to… …Iowa State. NOOOOO!!!!  

27.   Schools close, workers call in sick, vaccines run low, and now the latest from the Swine Flu pandemic – the Big Bad Wolf reportedly told Morley Safer of 60 Minutes that he is now a Vegetarian.

28.   When the beleaguered sports franchise’s marketing department decided to fill empty seats by giving away tickets to Ghosts, the players complained about being booed even when they scored.   

29.   I know that a female Black Widow will eat the male after mating. What I’m not sure about is what happens when two lesbian Black Widows frolic about in the Web.

30: Proving we learned nothing from 9-11, the Wicked Witch of the Northwest falls asleep on her broom over Minneapolis and not one fighter jet is scrambled.

31.   A guy goes into the woods in search of an infamous local Witch.  He is never seen again.  Search teams comb the area, but find only a notepad with 30 Spooky Thoughts.  On the 31st page Someone, Something in a barely legible scribble, writes:    BOOOOO!