Archive for the ‘Heroes & Villians’ Category

“No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.”     Officer Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

It was the Summer of 1441.   Richard III, Duke of York led his troops in battle outside of Pontoise, a suburb of Paris.   Paris did not yet have an Eiffel Tower or Champs Elysees or Louvre or a population of entitled stuck-ups who will frown at reckless Americans putting too much ketchup on their fries.     At that time, the Hundred Years War between England and France was in full flight, the Throne of both countries changing hands multiple times via a Battle of —– here, or a pre-arranged marriage over there.    That a war could last a hundred years can only be attributed to the fact that circa 1400s hippie college students weren’t yet skipping classes to protest and dissent.   But, let’s not digress.

Richard was away in battle that summer of 1441 for several weeks.   This steadfast commitment would eventually earn his lineage over at The House of York the crown in its ongoing tit for tat with the House of Lancaster in a series of feuds that would later be known as the War of the Roses.    The burden he must have felt that summer in the middle of France, so many miles away from his lovely bride, Cecily.   Her vibrant encouragement, and soft corseted bosom would have undoubtedly perked his spirits.

At left, Richard, the 3rd Duke of York. At right, ahem, cough, cough, chuckle, his son, King Edward IV. What is not known is whether people of the 14th century were truly this ugly or whether the artists of the day were endowed with almost no talent.

And then it happened.

Nine months later, Cecily gave birth to Edward, a bouncing dark haired baby boy who would one day grow up to become King Edward IV, the first King sired from the House of York.

Wait, back up.

It was nine months after Duke Richard was away from his lovely wife that she would give birth to Edward?   Yes.  And, that might have explained why the Duke didn’t careen through the castle halls chucking “It’s a Boy” cigars to every servant and pauper.

For more about how babies are created you might want to read this post, its about Moko the Dolphin, but there is also something about how to make babies, and it is a a good blog technique to put in links to other posts:

https://smallballreport.com/2009/05/12/aliens-will-ne…ko-the-dolphin/

Luckily, back in that time they didn’t have the National Enquirer poking their tabloid noses in their aristocratic business, laying questions at the feet of the throne on how this birth could have occurred.

Wait, they did?

Yes, even in his day there was much speculation, gossip, and chatter among the eminent class that questioned whether Kind Edward was truly the son of Richard.   It didn’t help that Edward would grow to 6’4″ tall, the tallest of any Royal ever and no doubt, Shaq-like tall for the 15th century.   He also had a much rounder face which differed from the narrowed gaunt of his alleged father, Richard.   In time there would also be rumors of a tryst that Cecily had with an English archer who was very good at hitting his target while the Duke was away.

So if Edward IV was an illegitimate son of Richard, than wouldn’t that eliminate his claim to the Throne of England?   Would not the very authenticity of the royals that descended from Edward IV right on down to today’s rotating cast of People Magazine CoverRoyals be in doubt?    Yes to both questions.     And that means you Queen Liz, Charles, and the Will and Kate Reality Show.

One of the two Queens pictured above is a Fake Queen. Is it the stoic one on the left or the Queen pictured with Officer Frank Drebin in happier times. Or, are they both fake?

It turns out the true heir to the thrown is some 37 year old guy living in Australia who is known as the 15th Earl of Loudoun.   Sure he could be King, but don’t think he hasn’t used this to his advantage trying to pick up girls at the bars over the years.     If it were important to the story on who that guy was, his name would be listed here _______________.   It is not.

The true mystery is why a nation of such world stature as the United Kingdom still recognizes a Monarchy at all in any sort of official capacity.   In America, it is popular today among some during this campaign cycle to call out America’s privileged class.   By comparison, that is just silly.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

Advertisements

Betsy Ross captivates the Patriots and young children as she makes her final needle pulls on the first American Flag. The guy that painted this picture did it in 1930, so he is a good source for knowing what the scene looked like.

So Cam Newton may have gotten paid to play College Football.     Maybe Miss January’s breasts aren’t real.   It turns out Bernie Madoff wasn’t such a smart financier.    

So what will come next?    Betsy Ross couldn’t sew?   She couldn’t make a quilt?   She didn’t know how to mend the holes in husband John Ross’s socks?   

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one, and I’d like to lodge a protest against my high school education.    I’d ask for my money back, but I went to a public school.    That wouldn’t work anyway because all the other high schools in America were teaching us the same garbage, that Betsy Ross created the first American Flag.     

Imagine my shock the other day when over 20 years after taking my high school history courses, and over 230 years since the historical events actually happened – or didn’t – I find out that the Betsy Ross story is a Fraud.    

As I recall reading from my textbooks, Betsy Ross was the widowed matriarch heroine of the Revolutionary War.    She went to the same church as George Washington, so naturally she wasn’t surprised when the General knocked on her door one afternoon.

“The guys and I are off to fight the red coats, can you make us up a flag?”    The venerable General would ask.   “I’ll send Benedict Arnold by later to pick it up.” 

“Sure, I can do that,” Ross replies.   “Did the guys down at the Continental Congress decide on Red, White and Blue like I read in Ben’s paper, and should we go with 13 stars or are you still having problems getting those rednecks from Georgia to ratify?”    

Some of those above quotes are from memory because I don’t actually have a copy of my high school history book right in front of me.    Though, one could presume that even Betty Ross thought the original Georgians would one day exhibit redneck qualities – a savvy hunch on her part because NASCAR was not yet invented at the time of the Revolutionary War. 

It turns out the whole Betsy Ross thing may not have actually happened.   She was long gone before she ever appeared in historical annuls.     Her grandson in 1870, almost 100 years after the supposed events, presented evidence that she was approached to make the first flag.   Who knows why, perhaps he had a devious plan to profit wildly by selling commemorative golden thimbles.    It sounded like a good story, so history books ran with it.    History researchers from the Smithsonian now say it might not be true, she might not have ever created the first American Flag.    

Now let’s be clear about one thing.   By all accounts she had mad skills with the needle and thread.    What she could do with a pair of scissors is the stuff of legend.    She might have been the original designer behind the five-pointed star on the American flag.   But alas, she was not the original creator of the flag.   More likely she was one of several early flag makers in American history.  

That it was passed down through the history books is just the latest proof point that most of what is shared in history textbooks are a series of partial truths, fabrications and nationalistic cheerleading.   Our history textbooks fabricated the story of Christopher Columbus, claiming that he heroically proved the Earth was round, unknowingly discovered a new continent, and died penniless.    All of which conflicts with his own journals.   It reveres him still as a heroic figure each October 12th, despite the fact that his actions led to the annihilation and enslavement of the near entirety of the Arawak Indian tribe.  

Just as it is necessary for us to be skeptical about our current heroes of the grid iron, movie set, and political scene, in the same way, we should also question the recurring characters of histories textbooks.

The other day I thought that E=MC2.  They told me that in high school once.   Now I’m not sure.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

Opinion By Anthony Liebrandt

As Vice President and Managing Editor of the Small Ball Report it is easy to take a rooting interest in the stories we cover.   Who couldn’t cheer on 3-year old Timmy Duggendorf as he Busted Mutton before an adoring throng of trailer park dwelling County Fair fans?   Although not personally castrated, but as someone who has friends with only one ball sack, how could you not root for a no-balled wunderkind Gelding horse named Mine That Bird in the Triple Crown series?   And despite being repulsed by chopped up meat that is reshaped as either a loaf or in this case, a link, I yelled riotously for Joey Chestnut to slay the Japanese bun wetting dragon Kobayashi and win for America the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship.

Moko the one-time heroine trying to rebuild her image.   She can be kind of a pompous show-off.

Moko the one-time heroine trying to rebuild her image. She can be kind of a pompous show-off.

Conversely sometimes we take it to the gut when we are let down by someone so previously captivating, and news out of New Zealand is not kind right now to a friend of the Small Ball Report, Moko The Dolphin

The Small Ball Report you may recall was among the first major news bureaus to report the true account behind the heroics of Moko the Dolphin.

“Moko was a very brainy Kiwi bottlenose dolphin who last year swam up to a nearly beached pygmy sperm whale and her baby calf and whispered something in their ear, like “Follow me sister, I’m hosting a wine tasting party and there is free daycare, it’s just on the other side of that sand bar.”

Had Moko not made a timely appearance, human marine biologists would have been forced to watch mom and calf’s helpless demise. Instead, amazingly the whales followed Moko safely out to sea where the calf was then eaten by a Great White Shark. That last part, I didn’t fact check.”

Based on Moko’s heroic star turn, The Small Ball Report went as far as to imply that mankind would be better off during an alien invasion if Moko were our chief negotiator, sensing that Moko’s charm and persuasiveness may keep us out of the Alien work-camps.  

This was supported by the corresponding stupidity under display by the human animal at about that same time.    In particular how could humans win the equivalent of the Heisman Trophy for Most Intelligent Earth Life Form, when one of our own fertility geniuses stupidly impregnated Octomom.   This, after Octomom told her doctor:

“I have six children, no job, no husband, and I haven’t received a valentine card since Donnie Wahlberg was the famous Wahlberg. My children are all under six, but only one has special needs. I live with my retired mother and father, but dad hates me so much he’d rather move back to Iraq.”

With evidence like this it was easy for us to see that Moko the Dolphin was Earth’s best option.    But now, news has trickled in from Mahia Beach in New Zealand where Moko resides that Moko has not played the role of good citizen lately.   Before we raise too much alarm, Moko didn’t go Plaxico on us and show up at a Dolphin nightclub shooting herself in the dorsal fin.  Her recent offense was more like the crime that Plaxico wasn’t charged for, showing up at a nightclub wearing sweatpants – not exactly illegal, but maybe it oughta be.   

Moko has been known to playfully swim with human vacationers near the beach resort.    Last week Aukland’s Sophie Brown got more than she bargained for when she showed up in the dead of a New Zealand winter (shouldn’t someone tell the Kiwi’s that July is the middle of summer?) with her wetsuit on to play and swim about with Moko.   What started out as an innocent, giddy girl human on girl dolphin romp ended up in rescue-by-slow-moving-dinghy thanks to witnessing bystanders.    Brown was trapped clinging to a buoy as Moko jumped about circling her every time the female tried to swim to shore.

Critics of Moko have begun to lambast her for being aggressive, overly playful and inmature, and at the end of the day not ready to be the inter-species point person should aliens invade.    However, the last time the Small Ball Report checked the sea is the home for Dolphins like Moko, and dry land is the home for humans – unless your a human with gills and webbed feet or your name is Michael Phelps.   So it the view of the Small Ball Report that we should all cut Moko some slack.    And, instead our judgement is rendered against Sophie Brown, probably a lovely lady with a funny accent, but at the end of the day she was the one that had to wear the wetsuit.              

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete.  In this picture he appears to be playing for rec team in the Atlanta area

Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete. In this picture he appears to be playing for a YMCA rec team in the Atlanta area

Bowing to dog lover backlash, the Small Ball Report announced late yesterday that it will not pursue a contract to add former Dirty Bird Report satirist Michael Vick to its talented stable of writers.   The fast growing Internet website cited the likely imbroglio that it would receive from weird, crazy people who happen to love dirty, foul smelling, bad breath, flea bait, window-screen destroying dogs.   And worse, some of these people also love dogs that can’t even chase down a frisbee.

“Clearly we don’t condone his past behavior as a torturer of canines,” said Small Ball founder Anthony Liebrandt.   “But, at the same time we felt that he did deserve a second chance.”  

Liebrandt went on to state that his courtship of Vick as a writer in no way was due to the fact that his own dog had gotten him out of bed six different times to be let outside to drop lawn steaks the night before the annual Liebrandt Luau.

“Yes, it’s been stated before,” Liebrandt said. “I don’t really like my dog that much.   And I don’t like scooping up backyard poo.  That’s why I will mow 2-3 times a week.   It all just gets chopped up in the mower that way.   And, let me be clear.  In no way do I condone the sport of dog fighting… Especially when there is perfectly good Cock out there that can fight.”

Although he didn’t clarify the Cock statement further, it was assumed that Liebrandt was referring to the fighting of farm raised chickens with no feelings (unlike dogs), and not the Ultimate Fighting Championship series. 

It was a difficult decision for the Small Ball Report which had considered Vick’s unconventional Wildcat writing style to be hugely entertaining.   Never a strong writer with scholarly sentence structure, attribution, and flowery words, Vick really excelled when he was allowed to escape the pocket of grammatical and punctuational norms.

Like in the following excerpt from the 2006 Dirty Bird Report:

     Four Paws Ho bludgeons opponent in feature match at Bad Newz Kennel.

     By Michael Vick of the Dirty Bird Report

     “Yo-yo.  It wuz on like the Kong last night. What a show! as Four Paws Ho and Ernie Wet Ear went warlord at the Kennel.  My beautiful bitch ho Four Paws couldn’t be stopped and Ernie dint have much ghetto in him.   I told those gangster trainers they shoun’t have caged him with my HO.    My HOOOOO!  

 

Clearly a talented wordsmith, the question is what now for Vick.  “Obviously we support the fact that Michael Vick can again pursue his career blogging on the Internet,” Liebrandt said.  

But, Michael Vick will pose several issues to any Blog that might consider signing him, besides the negative publicity and the 19-month layoff from honing his formidable bantering and quip factory.  For starters, will internet Founder and Commissioner Al Gore fully reinstate the scrambling poetic dynamite to blog again.   And if that happens, will there be any interested parties lining up to give Vick a new company laptop and blogspot log in.   Jerry Jones who runs the openly gay How Bout Them ‘Boys Report is a man who has given chances in the past to controversial playmakerwrights like Terrell Owens and Adam “Pac Man” Jones.   

“Probably not this time because even though Pac Man was involved in an altercation that led to the shooting death of a human being, at least no dogs were harmed,” said Jones as he was being licked in the face by his shitzu.   

Some critics have also lambasted his range of literary skill. 

“We are not talking about a Liebrandtian level of intellect here,” said Jim Mora Jr. the former nighttime managing editor at the Dirty Bird Report.  “What we got when Vick was blogging for us was the usual stories about where to find the best dog muzzle, and pick or pan, how good was brother Marcus Vick’s bag of weed.”

“He just couldn’t give you the uplifting, cry a river of tears animal stories,” Mora Jr. continued.  “Stories like you would find on The Small Ball Report website about the heroic dolphin named Moko, and that ball-less Gelding horse named Mine That Bird.

And what of the considerable debts that Vick incurred?  When he was forced to vacate the lucrative Dirty Bird Report signing bonus his only choice was to abate that debt via bankruptcy.    And now, he must consider writing for the blogosphere league minimum salary of a measly $620,000 a year.   That is not a lot of money for someone of such endearing wit and wordmanship.

So with the Small Ball Report’s rebuke another big Internet name has passed up the one time 5 Star storyteller.   One person hasn’t lost confidence in Vick.   Frank Beamer, the legendary head of the Virginia Tech Hokies Writers Workshop perhaps said it best, “At the end of the day someone with Michael’s talent is going to be given a second chance.    He might start off writing Haikus under a different pen name, but he will break loose again.   Now, I’m not going let him dog sit my cocker spaniel, but the blog, that’s what he was born to do.”  

For more half-truths and outright lies visit The Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

350px-Washington_Crossing_the_Delaware

George Washington - He Did Many Great Things

Today is the 4th of July.    Happy Birthday America.    We celebrate our greatness and our stickiness as a nation.  We have survived for over 230 years.   We have bended under pressure, but never wilted.   And, for at least the last 100 years we have been the biggest bad ass country on the planet.   Only Rome’s lofty 3 to 4 century longevity streak stands in our way of breaking the all-time empire record.    

Rome faced barbarians, but none like we have faced.  They had great men, the Caesars Augustus and Marcus Aurelius come to mind, but not as great as the men and women of our storied past and present.

From the beginning, when our fathers from England told us to pay our taxes, we said we shall not, and as for this shipment of your tea we shall not drink it, but instead we shall dump it in the Boston Harbor.  And besides, you scoundrels, we prefer coffee anyway.   And not just any coffee, here is $5 I’d like a Carmel Macchiato.  Make it a Grande.       

We hired a great man but humble farmer from Virginia named George Washington to be the General of a ragged band of men that would expel those red-coated funny talking Brits from our new land.  A stately looking fellow he knew early in life that he had a mug made for a new currency.    

On Christmas night in the year 1776, Washington had to have thought, “This is a cold ass night.   What I wouldn‘t give to be spooning Martha right now.   I bet Adams and Franklin are putting another log in the fireplace.   Oh well, if I can just get across this river and sack the Brits, the $1 bill will be mine for all time.”   

He did and although the dollar bill is rarely used these days with the proliferation of the pick your favorite MLB team debit cards, it still can be found as currency at lemonade stands, small town general stores and in the G-strings of sleazy strippers. 

Besides Washington, there would be other great Americans, to name a few:

When the Brits came back for a rematch in 1812 and burnt our nation’s capital and presumably sniffed Dolly Madison’s underpants from her White House dresser drawers, there were many great men to rise up and fight back.   Among them was a man that gave up a perfectly good Mardi Gras celebration to turn back the Brits at the Battle of New Orleans.    That man was Andrew Jackson.  

When the Rebels among us tried to break us apart and take for themselves our rich fields of cotton and tobacco and eventual redneck race car circuit, a great leader said not so fast.   That man was Abraham Lincoln.      

When Japanese sneak attackers torpedoed our Pacific fleet at Pear Harbor, a man stood before us announcing that despite the Infamy of the attack, it shall not stand.   Women and flat footed men with poor eyesight took to our nations factories to build the weopons of war.   Meanwhile, young men of all backgrounds enlisted en masse to build a force strong enough to repel the Japs from their Pacific roosts.   A great American rallied our nation.   That man was Franklin D Roosevelt.   Harry S Truman would finish his work.

When an odd looking Austrian named Adolph felt that he would be the great empire maker with his evil, hateful and sadistic ways, our leaders said not so fast.   A great general would hatch a creative plan with the help of our Canadian, French & British friends and surprise the Germans in the dark of night at a place called Normandy.   That man was Dwight D Eisenhower.   

Not just a nation of great white men, our nation found its voice and its path toward diversity and equality at the dreaming of a peaceful outspoken Southern Baptist Minister.  The challenges still many, but people of color would one day ascend to the Supreme Court, to the sidelines of NFL champions, and to the ultimate of office jobs, the one with Oval dimensions.  That man with the dream was Martin Luther King.

Men may have hogged the headlines for the first couple hundred years, but no longer.   Women have always been the heart and soul of our nation.   Women of all eras broke through and made their mark.   Women like Abigail Adams, Betsy Ross, and Susan B Anthony.   Women like Rosa Parks, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Harriet Tubman.   Women like Eleanor Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy, and Sandra Day O’Connor.  And Women like Billie Jean King, Sally Ride, and Oprah Winfrey.  

Americans have always stood together.  Despite our vast differences, and minor political disputes.    We root for American heroes at the Olympics, the Ryder Cup, the Tour De France, and with a slightly less rabid voice and less face painting in the competitions of Nobel and Pulitzer.      When the American runs, swims and skates to victory it is like our own brother or sister is the victor.   We will even look the other way if there may be a rumor that our hero used a corked bat, or a helpful hormonal shot, or had a dirt bag friend club her rivals left knee cap.   Americans all, we root for their victory.

Joe Chestnut - Our Hot Dog Eating Hero with the formidable Kobayashi

Joe Chestnut - Our Hot Dog Eating Hero with the formidable Kobayashi

And so today on the corners of  Stillwell and Surf Avenues on New York’s Coney Island another Great American rises up to represent us.   Joey Chestnut defends his title at the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest.    Chestnut is a national treasure.    Last year his prowess was revealed as he conquered for the second straight year the foreign dragon, Japan’s eating legend Takeru Kobayashi by eating a record 64 hot dogs.   Kobayashi, the Tiger Woods of eating contests was presumed to be unbeatable.  But Chestnut undeterred, gorged his way to two straight titles.   

Not all of us can be great Presidents, Generals, Activists, Athletes or War Heros.   But to anyone that has ever ate a hot dog, whether it be gourmet or sloppy, with chili or with cheese, at a picnic or at the ballpark, Joey Chestnut should be in our rooting hearts today.    U-S-A!    U-S-A!