Where did we put the Water Board again?

Posted: November 11, 2009 in People We Might Want to Waterboard, Uncategorized

Somewhere in a little used storage locker in Langley, VA’s CIA headquarters there is a perfectly good Water Board.    It hasn’t been used lately.   Earlier this decade it was in high demand.  I have a mental image of the Water Board being checked out by the guys on the CIA Facilities staff, much like they would check you out a laptop projection machine. 

Of all the things that George Bush got wrong during his tenure as Chief Executive, the use of torture was clearly not one of them.    Lament if you must his handling of the ill-conceived WMD scavenger hunt boondoggle along the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates otherwise known as the War in Iraq.   …Decry if you must that no special forces were sent up that mountain at Tora Bora when we had Osama pinned down in his cave.   Instead we relied on Afghan drug-dealing warlord thugs to do our bidding for us.  …Scorn if you must over the slow-footed Federal reaction to Lake Katrina.   

And then there is that final Bush blowback.   He was such a lousy President that the American public felt it was necessary to swarm the 2008 polls and vote for the most unlikely and unprepared President in American history(or at least since the last one we elected in 2000).   Eventually we will all be paying for that American overreaction.


Andy Sipowicz, a member of the Small Ball Report TV Character Hall of Fame. He was always good for a short sleeve shirt with a tie interrogation slap down on an unsuspecting perp. Tragically the show missed the mark whenever it gave one of its famous discretionary "tonight's show includes brief nudity" warnings and the brief nudity ends up being of Andy's ass and not one of the hot girl cops that they rotated through the show.

The one thing Bush did get right was the use of torture.   You didn’t hear the Small Ball Report publicly condone torture… mostly because we are not available via podcast.  It is something that we should only do in private and not talk about.   When NYPD Blue’s Andy Sipowicz needed to solve a case he’d loosen up his tie, roll up his sleeves (err, no he wore short sleeves and a tie like your math teacher) and perform the proverbial beat down.    Fifteen minutes later out came the note pad and the perp was singing like a canary.   

When the CIA memos were released earlier this year it detailed with a great deal of specificity the statistical number of times waterboarding was used on 9/11 mastermind K. Sheik Mohammed and his two terrorist scumbag friends.   (We could google their names to provide accuracy for this report, but that is more effort than they are worth).  Oddly, the interrogators must have their own team of statisticians on hand and you would almost wonder if one interrogator also has to sign the other interrogators score card at the end of a beat down like they do in golf.  

While the American media took exceptional umbrage to this event the majority of People on the Street Americans didn’t seem to care much.   Perhaps it’s a little hard to feel sorry for the personal liberties of thugs that were responsible for the most heinous crime ever committed on American soil.  Perhaps it’s difficult to play slow violin songs when hearing that 9/11 planners had a little bit of water dumped on them to simulate a drowning sensation – that they are still alive somewhere under the protection of due process is both what makes our country great, and at the same time perplexing.  

Even though the verdict has apparently been rendered and the water boards have been put back in the storage locker, there are a few candidates that the Small Ball Report would nominate for the technique.   The following five are are not exactly KSM heinous but these are very serious crimes against humanity in their own right.

Hippy Iran Hikers.     We should do our best to get the three hippy hikers that wandered into Iran freed from that authoritarian state.    And then after we send over George Mitchell or Jesse Jackson or Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton (you know its coming) to win their release we should waterboard them each 5 times for 30 seconds each.

Hippy Hikers in Happier Times. What would happen if three Iranians were hiking in Canada and they accidentally walked across the US border? Its likely they would be suspected of being up to no good.

Tour Company with the John Wilkes Booth Placard.    The Liebrandts recently visited Washington DC.   As we were walking across the street to the White House a slow-moving tour bus came to a stop.   In the window was your standard 8×11 paper placard as this tour company must have had multiple buses about town.    It said “John Wilkes Booth Bus”.   Are you kidding?  Were the other buses named Lee Harvey Oswald and Adolf Hitler and Devil.   You are talking about the guy that killed our second best President ever.    The owner of that bus company should be brought in and waterboarded 6 times for 25 seconds.

Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth. The Bad Actor. If you want your name on a Tour Bus 150 years from now, become an Assassin.

Miss California  USA Pageant Organizers.   This wholesome bunch of puritans are defending their honor in US court, they say “The integrity of the Miss California USA organization and the values it represents requires us to respond and present the truth.”     They want the $5200 back that they forked out to have former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s left and right boob augmented.   If a baseball team spent $5200 roiding up their clean-up hitter I would see a similar level of integrity.   So they are apparently not real afterall, but they are still spectacular.      The pageant organizers should be waterboarded 50 times for 10 seconds.   Double for Donald Trump. 


With her $5200 breast investment all Carrie Prejean needed was a softball question where she could call for World Peace and Feeding Hungry Kids. Instead, the goofy gay guy asked her about gay marriage. That didn't turn out well.

Inventor of BCS College Football System and any current University President that still supports it.   As a fan of NFL football I will sometime see some sportswriting goofball post their NFL Power rankings on the internet.   It’s a rather ridiculous exercise because it doesn’t mean anything.   Smartly, the NFL has divisional champions and wild card teams that actually play each other on the field and determine two conference champions that square off in the Super Bowl.    College Football, however, is a popularity contest where pollsters create their own Power rankings and propel teams up and down.   If Bear Bryant once wore a fedora on your sideline its worth 20 imaginary points.   If Earl Campbell won a Heisman for you during the Ford Administration thats worth 35 imaginary points.  The whole system is only slightly less corrupt than the last Afghan vote.    We should round-up all the Presidents of the six BCS conferences and You Too President of Notre Dame and form a water board assembly line.


Take it easy Bevo. Don't hook me with those horns just for thinking that maybe you haven't played anybody good this year.

Nancy Grace, of course.    Of all the smug cable news media personalities, Nancy Grace is over the top.   She fakes more compassion in a day than Mother Theresa exudes actual compassion in a week.    Her recent interview with Elizabeth Smart illustrates that perfectly.    Luckily, Elizabeth Smart for her part exudes as much toughness as Andy Sipowicz and beats down the news media perpetrator with her rolling eyes.                 

  1. […] in here.   It kind of made me want to put the bus company on my list of people we might want to waterboard.   Actually, I […]

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