Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete.  In this picture he appears to be playing for rec team in the Atlanta area

Not only a Blogger, Michael Vick was also a good athlete. In this picture he appears to be playing for a YMCA rec team in the Atlanta area

Bowing to dog lover backlash, the Small Ball Report announced late yesterday that it will not pursue a contract to add former Dirty Bird Report satirist Michael Vick to its talented stable of writers.   The fast growing Internet website cited the likely imbroglio that it would receive from weird, crazy people who happen to love dirty, foul smelling, bad breath, flea bait, window-screen destroying dogs.   And worse, some of these people also love dogs that can’t even chase down a frisbee.

“Clearly we don’t condone his past behavior as a torturer of canines,” said Small Ball founder Anthony Liebrandt.   “But, at the same time we felt that he did deserve a second chance.”  

Liebrandt went on to state that his courtship of Vick as a writer in no way was due to the fact that his own dog had gotten him out of bed six different times to be let outside to drop lawn steaks the night before the annual Liebrandt Luau.

“Yes, it’s been stated before,” Liebrandt said. “I don’t really like my dog that much.   And I don’t like scooping up backyard poo.  That’s why I will mow 2-3 times a week.   It all just gets chopped up in the mower that way.   And, let me be clear.  In no way do I condone the sport of dog fighting… Especially when there is perfectly good Cock out there that can fight.”

Although he didn’t clarify the Cock statement further, it was assumed that Liebrandt was referring to the fighting of farm raised chickens with no feelings (unlike dogs), and not the Ultimate Fighting Championship series. 

It was a difficult decision for the Small Ball Report which had considered Vick’s unconventional Wildcat writing style to be hugely entertaining.   Never a strong writer with scholarly sentence structure, attribution, and flowery words, Vick really excelled when he was allowed to escape the pocket of grammatical and punctuational norms.

Like in the following excerpt from the 2006 Dirty Bird Report:

     Four Paws Ho bludgeons opponent in feature match at Bad Newz Kennel.

     By Michael Vick of the Dirty Bird Report

     “Yo-yo.  It wuz on like the Kong last night. What a show! as Four Paws Ho and Ernie Wet Ear went warlord at the Kennel.  My beautiful bitch ho Four Paws couldn’t be stopped and Ernie dint have much ghetto in him.   I told those gangster trainers they shoun’t have caged him with my HO.    My HOOOOO!  

 

Clearly a talented wordsmith, the question is what now for Vick.  “Obviously we support the fact that Michael Vick can again pursue his career blogging on the Internet,” Liebrandt said.  

But, Michael Vick will pose several issues to any Blog that might consider signing him, besides the negative publicity and the 19-month layoff from honing his formidable bantering and quip factory.  For starters, will internet Founder and Commissioner Al Gore fully reinstate the scrambling poetic dynamite to blog again.   And if that happens, will there be any interested parties lining up to give Vick a new company laptop and blogspot log in.   Jerry Jones who runs the openly gay How Bout Them ‘Boys Report is a man who has given chances in the past to controversial playmakerwrights like Terrell Owens and Adam “Pac Man” Jones.   

“Probably not this time because even though Pac Man was involved in an altercation that led to the shooting death of a human being, at least no dogs were harmed,” said Jones as he was being licked in the face by his shitzu.   

Some critics have also lambasted his range of literary skill. 

“We are not talking about a Liebrandtian level of intellect here,” said Jim Mora Jr. the former nighttime managing editor at the Dirty Bird Report.  “What we got when Vick was blogging for us was the usual stories about where to find the best dog muzzle, and pick or pan, how good was brother Marcus Vick’s bag of weed.”

“He just couldn’t give you the uplifting, cry a river of tears animal stories,” Mora Jr. continued.  “Stories like you would find on The Small Ball Report website about the heroic dolphin named Moko, and that ball-less Gelding horse named Mine That Bird.

And what of the considerable debts that Vick incurred?  When he was forced to vacate the lucrative Dirty Bird Report signing bonus his only choice was to abate that debt via bankruptcy.    And now, he must consider writing for the blogosphere league minimum salary of a measly $620,000 a year.   That is not a lot of money for someone of such endearing wit and wordmanship.

So with the Small Ball Report’s rebuke another big Internet name has passed up the one time 5 Star storyteller.   One person hasn’t lost confidence in Vick.   Frank Beamer, the legendary head of the Virginia Tech Hokies Writers Workshop perhaps said it best, “At the end of the day someone with Michael’s talent is going to be given a second chance.    He might start off writing Haikus under a different pen name, but he will break loose again.   Now, I’m not going let him dog sit my cocker spaniel, but the blog, that’s what he was born to do.”  

For more half-truths and outright lies visit The Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

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