The Onion withdraws bid for Small Ball Report over poor grammar… and its lack of humor

Posted: September 22, 2009 in Media Frenzy, Uncategorized

The popular website the Onion’s on-going courtship to buy the Small Ball Report was withdrawn last night citing irreconcilable differences with the use of the English language.   The Onion and SBR had been courting for weeks, but broke off talks over SBR’s knack for often misusing the words there and their.   A spokesman for the Onion, Mel Kandahar, said “It’s as if the writers of the Small Ball Report have absolutely no training in proper grammar.   They dangle more participles than Willy Olson.” 

When reached for comment, SBR founder Anthony Liebrandt asked, “What’s a Participle?”

The Onion also questioned the veracity of many Small Ball Report feature stories claiming that the SBR had once tried to stoke the fears of pansy white middle class suburban kids by denigrating the hard working and friendly Ice Cream Man.   

Anthony Liebrandt seen here in the early days at the Small Ball Saturday update desk.   His ability to multi-task using 4 different laptops at once is legendary.

Anthony Liebrandt seen here in the early days at the Small Ball Saturday update desk. His ability to multi-task using 4 different laptops at once is legendary.

That particular episode was an early black eye for the fledging web site.   Calling the Ice Cream Man scarier than the one he remembered as a kid, the outspoken Liebrandt ignited a backlash from the powerful Ice Cream Men lobby, and although vindication would come when the Million Ice Cream Man March on Washington had to be cancelled because too many of the organizers were wearing police ankle bracelets, the slight did detract new readers and valuable ad revenue.  

But despite its setbacks the Small Ball Report would continue to grow during the summer of 2009 and captivated the hearts of readers everywhere – and in particular readers related to Anthony Liebrandt in the middle part of the U.S. as well as Arizona and North Carolina – with insightful observations on the sports of Mutton Busting and Competitive Eating.   

It was a meteoric rise that began on Facebook when Liebrandt tried to explain small ball baseball theory to a group of housewives who didn’t care about sports.   Though that backfired, he turned it into a weekly status update series called Small Ball Saturday.   But, after just two short weeks, it was clear that Liebrandt would quickly run out of commentary dealing with Small Balls, as these two statuses clearly point out.           

“Small Ball Saturday (The Debut Edition): Bowling is the only sport that gives the athlete holes in which to clutch, grab & release the ball into its intended motion. This aide allows even people with smaller balls to do well at the sport (April 4)”

“Small Ball Saturday (The Small C^% Edition): The game of badmitton is played by athletes who propel birdies into flight with light rackets. During side-outs some will joke about the birdies other name, the Shuttle-Cock.   These athletes are usually compensating for their small balls.  (April 11)”

So Liebrandt took the Small Ball Report to the web and expanded his message to a wider audience.  Rumors had been circulating for weeks that he was in talks to sell Small Ball Report to focus his attention on the upcoming opening on the Murmuring Ponds HOA board in January.   He had planned to use that race as a launch pad for the proliferation of the new political Small Ball Party that he had just announced last week as an alternative to Republicans and Democrats, plugging the gaping hole left by the 1800s extinction of the Whig party.   

So what will come next?  Hints may have come from Liebrandt’s defiance in the wake of the failed Onion buyout, “I don’t give  *%(^&  about The Onion.  They are a foul breath inducing sliver of Subway Sandwich to me.    They can kiss my &^&*# dangling participles butt.   Game on!”   

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

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