Wolf Blitzer Imposter Tanks at Celebrity Jeopardy to Settle Old Score

Posted: September 21, 2009 in Media Frenzy

Charles Bierbauer, a one-time fast rising CNN correspondent during the first Gulf War is being held in protective custody this morning, in the wake of a horrific plot to sabotage the media career of Wolf Blitzer.    

Bierbauer stands accused of appearing on Celebrity Jeopardy dressed up as Wolf Blitzer and systematically tanking questions in an effort to settle an old score and dampen the public affection for the host of CNN’s Situation Room.    

“Clearly, as my work on CNN indicates, I’m no dummy,” Blitzer said as he reacted to his initial screening of the Thursday episode.   “There is no way that I would have gotten drubbed by a Desperate Housewife (Dana Delaney) and a Conan O’Brian Sidekick (Andy Richter).”

Wolf Blitzer (left) looking way to brilliant and charming to stink so putridly at Jeopardy.   Bierbauer (right) still miffed for not getting the Situation Room gig is being questioned in the Jeopardy debacle.

Wolf Blitzer (left) looking way to brilliant and charming to stink so putridly at Jeopardy. Bierbauer (right) still miffed for not getting the Situation Room gig is being questioned in the Jeopardy debacle.

Amazingly Blitzer, or the man dressed up as Blitzer, ended the two rounds of Jeopardy with an unfathomable negative 4600 points.  That’s about the same amount of points that a certifiable jack-ass idiot repbrobate loser would get.   And that is when IGSIB (the International Game Show Investigative Body) made the decision to investigate.   They dispatched some investigators that had previously cleaned up the Slumdog Millionaire case in Mumbai and put them to work grilling Charles Bierbauer for inconsistencies.

Bierbauer and Blitzer, one-time friends, both came to prominence during the first Gulf War when CNN first broke onto the cable news media scene.  Together they made popular the CNN technique of showing the same Iraqi Scud Test Missile being launched over and over…and over some more, and alternating that with stock footage of Saddam shooting a rifle into the air followed by a US soldier quickly putting on his gas mask suit.

It was riveting television in the early 1990s and it was made all the more special by the fact that both men had simultaneously broken the Beard Barrier which held that TV anchor roles once the fraternity of only good looking clean shaven men, could now be worked by men who could also be confused as Amish farmers or NHL hockey players not shaving for the playoffs.  

But somewhere along the way, Bierbauer’s once bright star went dark and it was Blitzer who went on to recreate cable television news.   Blitzer is best known for his election night coverage when he coyly makes half hourly announcements on which states are now red and which are now blue based on One/One Millionth of the results being reported.   In 2008 he further added to his legendary repertoire as he acted as MC to the four rows of ‘Pundits’ who on camera acted busy getting the latest scoop from their laptop. It was only later discovered when Jeff Toobin stupidly dropped his laptop at the Atlanta airport security line, that the CNN laptops were actually fake Dells like the ones used by real estate house stagers.

For his part, Bierbauer has been mostly quiet, releasing a statement to MSNBC and Fox News, and not CNN:  “As anyone who has ever known me can attest, I am a skilled Trivia Pursuit Player.  This notion that it was I that looked like a clown on Jeopardy is without merit.  I’m confident that my name will be cleared.”  

“And if there is any further doubt,” he went on to say.   “Just check out all my high NTN bar trivia scores that I have accumulated under the name BierPauer at Buffalo Wild Wings.”

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

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