Moko the Dolphin: Not Who We Thought She Was?

Posted: August 5, 2009 in Heroes & Villians

Opinion By Anthony Liebrandt

As Vice President and Managing Editor of the Small Ball Report it is easy to take a rooting interest in the stories we cover.   Who couldn’t cheer on 3-year old Timmy Duggendorf as he Busted Mutton before an adoring throng of trailer park dwelling County Fair fans?   Although not personally castrated, but as someone who has friends with only one ball sack, how could you not root for a no-balled wunderkind Gelding horse named Mine That Bird in the Triple Crown series?   And despite being repulsed by chopped up meat that is reshaped as either a loaf or in this case, a link, I yelled riotously for Joey Chestnut to slay the Japanese bun wetting dragon Kobayashi and win for America the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship.

Moko the one-time heroine trying to rebuild her image.   She can be kind of a pompous show-off.

Moko the one-time heroine trying to rebuild her image. She can be kind of a pompous show-off.

Conversely sometimes we take it to the gut when we are let down by someone so previously captivating, and news out of New Zealand is not kind right now to a friend of the Small Ball Report, Moko The Dolphin

The Small Ball Report you may recall was among the first major news bureaus to report the true account behind the heroics of Moko the Dolphin.

“Moko was a very brainy Kiwi bottlenose dolphin who last year swam up to a nearly beached pygmy sperm whale and her baby calf and whispered something in their ear, like “Follow me sister, I’m hosting a wine tasting party and there is free daycare, it’s just on the other side of that sand bar.”

Had Moko not made a timely appearance, human marine biologists would have been forced to watch mom and calf’s helpless demise. Instead, amazingly the whales followed Moko safely out to sea where the calf was then eaten by a Great White Shark. That last part, I didn’t fact check.”

Based on Moko’s heroic star turn, The Small Ball Report went as far as to imply that mankind would be better off during an alien invasion if Moko were our chief negotiator, sensing that Moko’s charm and persuasiveness may keep us out of the Alien work-camps.  

This was supported by the corresponding stupidity under display by the human animal at about that same time.    In particular how could humans win the equivalent of the Heisman Trophy for Most Intelligent Earth Life Form, when one of our own fertility geniuses stupidly impregnated Octomom.   This, after Octomom told her doctor:

“I have six children, no job, no husband, and I haven’t received a valentine card since Donnie Wahlberg was the famous Wahlberg. My children are all under six, but only one has special needs. I live with my retired mother and father, but dad hates me so much he’d rather move back to Iraq.”

With evidence like this it was easy for us to see that Moko the Dolphin was Earth’s best option.    But now, news has trickled in from Mahia Beach in New Zealand where Moko resides that Moko has not played the role of good citizen lately.   Before we raise too much alarm, Moko didn’t go Plaxico on us and show up at a Dolphin nightclub shooting herself in the dorsal fin.  Her recent offense was more like the crime that Plaxico wasn’t charged for, showing up at a nightclub wearing sweatpants – not exactly illegal, but maybe it oughta be.   

Moko has been known to playfully swim with human vacationers near the beach resort.    Last week Aukland’s Sophie Brown got more than she bargained for when she showed up in the dead of a New Zealand winter (shouldn’t someone tell the Kiwi’s that July is the middle of summer?) with her wetsuit on to play and swim about with Moko.   What started out as an innocent, giddy girl human on girl dolphin romp ended up in rescue-by-slow-moving-dinghy thanks to witnessing bystanders.    Brown was trapped clinging to a buoy as Moko jumped about circling her every time the female tried to swim to shore.

Critics of Moko have begun to lambast her for being aggressive, overly playful and inmature, and at the end of the day not ready to be the inter-species point person should aliens invade.    However, the last time the Small Ball Report checked the sea is the home for Dolphins like Moko, and dry land is the home for humans – unless your a human with gills and webbed feet or your name is Michael Phelps.   So it the view of the Small Ball Report that we should all cut Moko some slack.    And, instead our judgement is rendered against Sophie Brown, probably a lovely lady with a funny accent, but at the end of the day she was the one that had to wear the wetsuit.              

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at

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