The Fake Queen of England

Posted: July 28, 2012 in Heroes & Villians, Uncategorized

“No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.”     Officer Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

It was the Summer of 1441.   Richard III, Duke of York led his troops in battle outside of Pontoise, a suburb of Paris.   Paris did not yet have an Eiffel Tower or Champs Elysees or Louvre or a population of entitled stuck-ups who will frown at reckless Americans putting too much ketchup on their fries.     At that time, the Hundred Years War between England and France was in full flight, the Throne of both countries changing hands multiple times via a Battle of —– here, or a pre-arranged marriage over there.    That a war could last a hundred years can only be attributed to the fact that circa 1400s hippie college students weren’t yet skipping classes to protest and dissent.   But, let’s not digress.

Richard was away in battle that summer of 1441 for several weeks.   This steadfast commitment would eventually earn his lineage over at The House of York the crown in its ongoing tit for tat with the House of Lancaster in a series of feuds that would later be known as the War of the Roses.    The burden he must have felt that summer in the middle of France, so many miles away from his lovely bride, Cecily.   Her vibrant encouragement, and soft corseted bosom would have undoubtedly perked his spirits.

At left, Richard, the 3rd Duke of York. At right, ahem, cough, cough, chuckle, his son, King Edward IV. What is not known is whether people of the 14th century were truly this ugly or whether the artists of the day were endowed with almost no talent.

And then it happened.

Nine months later, Cecily gave birth to Edward, a bouncing dark haired baby boy who would one day grow up to become King Edward IV, the first King sired from the House of York.

Wait, back up.

It was nine months after Duke Richard was away from his lovely wife that she would give birth to Edward?   Yes.  And, that might have explained why the Duke didn’t careen through the castle halls chucking “It’s a Boy” cigars to every servant and pauper.

For more about how babies are created you might want to read this post, its about Moko the Dolphin, but there is also something about how to make babies, and it is a a good blog technique to put in links to other posts:…ko-the-dolphin/

Luckily, back in that time they didn’t have the National Enquirer poking their tabloid noses in their aristocratic business, laying questions at the feet of the throne on how this birth could have occurred.

Wait, they did?

Yes, even in his day there was much speculation, gossip, and chatter among the eminent class that questioned whether Kind Edward was truly the son of Richard.   It didn’t help that Edward would grow to 6’4″ tall, the tallest of any Royal ever and no doubt, Shaq-like tall for the 15th century.   He also had a much rounder face which differed from the narrowed gaunt of his alleged father, Richard.   In time there would also be rumors of a tryst that Cecily had with an English archer who was very good at hitting his target while the Duke was away.

So if Edward IV was an illegitimate son of Richard, than wouldn’t that eliminate his claim to the Throne of England?   Would not the very authenticity of the royals that descended from Edward IV right on down to today’s rotating cast of People Magazine CoverRoyals be in doubt?    Yes to both questions.     And that means you Queen Liz, Charles, and the Will and Kate Reality Show.

One of the two Queens pictured above is a Fake Queen. Is it the stoic one on the left or the Queen pictured with Officer Frank Drebin in happier times. Or, are they both fake?

It turns out the true heir to the thrown is some 37 year old guy living in Australia who is known as the 15th Earl of Loudoun.   Sure he could be King, but don’t think he hasn’t used this to his advantage trying to pick up girls at the bars over the years.     If it were important to the story on who that guy was, his name would be listed here _______________.   It is not.

The true mystery is why a nation of such world stature as the United Kingdom still recognizes a Monarchy at all in any sort of official capacity.   In America, it is popular today among some during this campaign cycle to call out America’s privileged class.   By comparison, that is just silly.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at

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