The First Lady of my Dreams

Posted: May 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

It’s always fun taking a tour of the house you are about to live in for the first time. Usually a realtor with a folder full of comps and google map print outs shows you around. The Small Ball Report toured our future Washington home as special guests of Barack and Michelle Obama. A lovely young up-and-coming-couple with two beautiful school-aged girls and a handsome Portugese Water Dog named Bo, the Obamas were kind enough to let us meander the first floor halls of their upscale Pennsylvania Avenue home in Washington, DC.

These young lads were at the forefront of the witty, clever sign making industry which has recently really taken off on college campuses for football’s ESPN Gameday. The lads are getting ready for a nice warm night sleeping under their Hoover blankets.

They had offered a personal tour, but we declined because we wanted to appear to be like any other ordinary tourists with our Metro Subway Route maps sticking out of pockets and clad in our matching DC themed T-Shirts. The matching shirts we chose for the tour said, “Ancient History Will Be Kind to Herbert Hoover” in honor of the only Iowan that will ever ascend to the office. As a side note, how could Hoover have been expected to avoid the Great Depression when the Chinese wouldn’t have bailout money for another 60 years and the Model T wasn’t even a Clunker yet? As least he was thoughtful enough to hand out all of those New York Times Hoover Blankets.

The real motivation for our tour was to begin laying the groundwork for all the changes I plan to make to the various White House State Rooms when I become First Lady, err – First Man. I’m conceding that my college transcript and that one misunderstanding Rodney King Style that I may have had with a couple (or eight) Wartburg College Security Officers may come back to haunt me, so a better alternative for our family run at the Presidency will be to have my wife, Felicity Liebrandt, run for the office. She would be the perfect candidate to make the first serious run at the office from the recently announced Small Ball Party.

By every indication Felicity’s meteoric political rocket ship has launched. While we were in Washington she was running unopposed as a board member at our club, the South Tip Swim and Bath House. Though we forgot to turn in our own Proxy ballot, we assumed she wouldn’t get beat by Mickey Mouse, Cole Trickle or other common write in candidates. From here, she has a very aggressive plan to run for School Board, City Council, Mayor, Governor, and then President. All within the next six years. If the last Presidential election is any indication, she will be over qualified at that pace.

My wife Felicity Liebrandt. This photo was taken a few years ago. She had went off to college at Wartburg because she had a crush on another guy. And then she met me and fell in love with me. Then she went back to him. Then she went back to me. This whole saga lasted 3 seasons (err 3 semesters).

By the time of our tour, we already had an eventful morning.   On the walk over from the hotel two different belligerent insane homeless people started yelling obscene incoherent diatribes in the presence of our younger Liebrandt, but that wasn’t the strangest observation of the morning.   As we were about to cross the street to the White House a tour bus rolled to a stop at the corner.    In the bus window a placard labeled that particular bus the John Wilkes Booth bus.    Are you kidding?     I can only assume that the other buses in the group had placards with names of Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley, Adolph Hitler and Devil.      What kind of tour bus operator would designate a bus after the name of the killer of our second best president?   And no Abe fans, he was no Washington so don’t go bringing that debate in here.   It kind of made me want to put the bus company on my list of people we might want to waterboard.   Actually, I did.  

As our tour began in the basement of the East Wing, we blended in as tourists and not the key dignitaries that we were.    We were first shown the China Room and Library on the basement level.    All 42 former Presidents and First Ladies have one official portrait hanging in the White House.   One of the first portraits you encounter is Hillary, and while she probably was never confused for a Welsley College hottie in the 60s I was shocked to read some internet reports recently that said she was one of the ten hottest first ladies in history, like right behind Martha Washington hot.    Perhaps though, she might have sprung for one of those Glamour shot makeover portraits that were popular during her husband Bubba’s term.    

Soon after I encountered the Hillary portrait, I rounded the corner to the China Room and it was there that I caught me first glimpse of her.   Felicity didn’t notice it, and we haven’t talked about it since,  but I stood transfixed for the next three minutes staring at the lovely lady.     

The lady on the wall was the most beautiful, radiant 50 years dead women that I had ever seen.  The First Lady in the red dress.  She was Grace Coolidge.  Posing with her obedient canine Rob Roy in front of my future home, the White House.    I could picture myself during Felicity’s first term as President sneaking away from the living quarters at night, and instead of going to the White House Kitchen for some milk and cookies, giving my Secret Service detail the slip and going down the back staircase to the China Room.      

Famous First Spouses: Grace Coolidge was clearly the ba-ba-ba-bomb. She was Washington's It Girl in the early part of the last century. Too bad husband Calvin was such a dud. Hillary Clinton dazzles us with the pantsuit.

 I imagined myself imagining myself strolling the White House lawn engaged in hours long conversations with Grace Coolidge while I threw frisbees to her dog, Rob Roy.   Then I nearly tripped out of my dream sequence, when First Lady Grace Coolidge asked me, “What is that thing that you are throwing at Rob Roy and having him fetch?”      

“It’s a Frisbee,”  I replied.   “Sorry, I didnt’ realize it, the Frisbee won’t be invented until 10 years after you leave the White House.”     

Our conversations were mostly about shared experiences, she chatted up the excitement of getting to meet with Charles Lindbergh after his perfect Trans Atlantic flight.   I told her about my thrill on a Colorado campaign junket of getting to meet the real life Balloon Boy.   She talked about how they had invited Louis B. Armstrong to play his trumpet at a White House dinner.   I compared that to Felicity and I booking Justin Bieber to sing his hit song, Baby.  

I also wanted to know how she did it.   How she survived the piercing scrutiny of the mass media.   In our own 2016 campaign, the media had dug up some of my old reporting from the Small Ball Report and they questioned whether the fear mongering that I had stirred in reporting on the Scary Ice Cream Man rose to the level of maturity that was exhibited in the writing flavors of previous first ladies like Barbara Bush, Mary Todd Lincoln, and Betty Ford.    

Finally, I snapped out of my trance.   I could hear the tour guide saying something on the order of, “And it was with great bravery that Dolly Madison saved most of the China that you see in this room from the fire of 1812.  Now let’s proceed up the stairs to the First Floor.”    

The brief day-dream, that momentary insight into the life of my new heroine, Grace Coolidge, changed my entire perspective on the type of First Lady (Man) that I wanted to be.   I began to take copius notes on all the things that I could learn from my predecessors.   But, most of all I tried not to let Felicity notice how turned on I was getting by some of the beautiful first lady portraits.  I can’t be sure but that could be considered weird.  Come on admit it readers, who isn’t turned on by that ravishing smile of Martha Washington.

For more half-truths and outright lies visit the Small Ball Report at www.smallballreport.com

The first First Lady Seductress Martha Washington. Technically she was older than George which would make her the first Cougar to be First Lady.

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Comments
  1. Mark Hougen says:

    Felicity went to Wartburg? I thought it was Gustavus Adolphus

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