Taser Toting Shortstops to Make Baseball Interesting

Posted: May 7, 2010 in Sports with Balls

The National League was getting the hint.   It was falling behind in the battle for the Sports Fan mind share.  The League has been in freefall years after being stymied by an anti-drug culture and a noisy congressional backlash to its once ballyhooed steroid era.   Many had suspected that the NL would change things up, perhaps even adopting the Designated Hitter like its American League rival.  Instead, the NL Rule Change Committee shocked the sports world yesterday when it announced that it would arm middle infielders with Tasers to help mitigate security concerns of idiot fans running the bases between innings, but as an added bonus, they could also use the devices to debilitate base runners trying to get from first to third on sharp liners to the outfield.

While his form is not bad. It is not good for the game of baseball to have all the Tasing done by unathletic looking security guards like this guy at Philadelphia's Citzen Bank Park.

“This is a first in sports.  We have combined the practical nature of fan safety, while creating excitement on the playing field.    We hope this brings back the excitement of baseball that we really haven’t had since we looked the other way why our guys used steroids,” stated Commissioner Bud Selig.  

And it was just in the nick of time for Selig, who will forever be known as the Commissioner that was really turning around the game until he allowed investigators and critics to pin him down on a new performance enhancing drug policy that he never wanted and that he knew would ruin baseball. 

“What we were able to do for the game in the late 90s and early 2000s can’t be denied,” Selig suggested.  “We let some of our more fundamentally sound – yet skinny – players like Bonds, McGuire and Sosa transform themselves into home run record destroying Goliaths.   That can’t be argued – we created a lot of buzz, and most people without the last name of Maris loved seeing it.  We think we will be able to create the same electricity with the new Taser rule.”  

The idea behind the Taser is simple.  When a ball is put into play, middle infielders at second and short can now either make a play on the ball with their glove or let the ball get by them, but zap a runner trying to advance to the next base.   Many in the sports world think it will be the most interesting innovation since TV producers created the imaginary yellow line that illuminates football’s First Down.  

It's a shame that Phillies Shortstop Jimmy Rollins has to get so much dirt on his uniform. Now that he can carry a Taser he will likely let this sharply hit grounder through to the outfield.

But, not everyone is impressed.   The move hasn’t come without its critics, like Hall of Fame Shortstop Ozzie Smith.  “When I played it was enough to be able to cover your position, scoop up grounders in all directions and put out the advancing runner.  It’s kind of a stake to the heart of the purity of the game,” said Smith.  

All of this comes in the wake of a recent spate of fans running onto the field between innings.  It is rumored, but cannot be confirmed yet, that some of the incidents may have involved fans drinking too much alcohol at the game.   If this is true  than the decision could not have come at a better time.  The idea of fans being so bored with baseball that they have to drink excessive amounts of beer at the ballpark can’t go unchecked.   Baseball once tried to mitigate the excessive fan drinking problem by charging twice the minimum wage for a 12 ounce beer.   Now the product on the field with the new Taser Rule could perhaps change the need for that excessive cost of beer.   This could be a win for everyone.

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