Merry Thoughts

Posted: December 16, 2009 in It's the Thought that Counts

1:  In a public statement Santa Claus took responsibility for crashing his sleigh into a neighbor’s tree at 2:30 AM.  Asking for privacy, he also revealed that the nude photos of Mrs. Claus circulating on the internet are not real.

2: To entertain the other reindeer on Christmas night, Vixen will often belt out her hit song “Edge of a Broken Heart”. All the reindeer love it, except for that jerk-wad Prancer who claims that Vixen is no Lita Ford.

When the Grinch and Eric Holder square off in a New York court, many of the opposition party are saying that reckless secrets could get out on Just How the Grinch stole Christmas. And, what might that effect be on our national security.

3:  Bending to Republican pressure, Attorney General Eric Holder has changed course and will now seek a military tribunal on charges that The Grinch Stole Christmas. 

4: In a lead-up to next weeks Global Environmental Summit in Copenhagen, Santa Claus has announced that he will use only Clean Burning Coal in naughty kids’ stockings this year.

5:  I’m fed up with always mistiming the investments in my portfolio.   I’m pretty sure Gold is overvalued right now, but I’m torn on whether I should invest my Christmas Bonus in Frankincense or Myrrh. 

6:  With news that Santa’s Workshop has been closed and transported to factories in China, many are blaming recent gains made by the Elf Union in fatter pensions and expanded milk and cookie breaks. 

7: Early settler kids used to hang their own diminutive socks from the mantle.  Kids today hang stockings so large that a Shaq O’Neil suffering from Gout would find them comfortable.  

8: When Grandma got ran over by a reindeer she was frustrated that the reindeer had an expired license and no insurance card.

9:  Santa Claus has filed an Intellectual Property claim against the musical group The Killers for asking: “Are We Human or are we Dancer?”  The claim states that unless you have 4 hoofs and eat buckets of oats you are not a Reindeer. 

10: Elin Woods said that on the Second Day of Christmas Her True Love Gave to Her news that maybe she might want to have some blood work done…and an Escalade in a Tree.

11:   When Blitzen let Dasher know that he thought the other reindeer had a “Nice Rack” he never thought it would land him in hot water with the HR Department.  

Little seven year old Douglas Fir had it all. A caring family that seeded him. Plenty of nutricious food. Until that day he was chopped down in the prime of his life.

12:   I just had a heated argument with The Ghost of Christmas Past.  He is still acting like a little girl over not getting a name drop in October’s 31 Spooky Thoughts.  So no way will I mention him in this series. 

13: I’m stoked that my wife signed up for the Adopt a Family program this Christmas. I think some kids will be really excited about their new toys and I’m hoping I get a new set of screwdrivers.

14:    Children of the world are reeling on news that Santa Claus’ Sleigh Company is now charging him for the Second Bag.  

15:  Whenever I have business meetings in Bethlehem on the Palestinian West Bank, I’ll usually do the Priceline Negotiator. I read somewhere that it’s hard to get a room there.  

16:   It is an epidemic that wipes out 28 million every year, so the parents of seven year-old Douglas Fir are doing everything they can this year to save his life.  If you’d like to donate to this cause send me $20 via Paypal. 

17:   I stupidly stayed with Santa’s Reindeer as my fantasy Defense on Sunday, even though I knew the Budweiser Clydesdales would really expose them in the run game.  And the Clydesdales had a better kicker.  

18:   I’m notoriously bad with directions, but yesterday I nearly puked when the kids checked the mailbox and their Santa letters had been Returned to Sender because we had accidentally sent them to the South Pole.

19:  On a Christmas roadtrip this week and I’m kicking myself.  We were getting ready to Deck the Halls last night, but I stupidly forgot to pack any of my Gay Apparel. Fa La La La La, La La La La. 

20:   Who doesn’t love watching Christmas movies this time of year?   My favorite is the Rudolph story and how his hard work and determination allowed him to overcome his small size to finally get on the field and make a tackle in his last game at Notre Dame. 

21:  I was Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire last night.   I had hoped to find Jack Frost nipping at my nose, but I’m in California on vacation this week so I had to make due with Jack Daniels.  

22: Twas the Night Before Christmas and Homicide had another Crime Scene.   Earlier a mouse was stirring when his innocent peanut butter addiction led him to a slaughter execution style in the irons of a spring loaded mouse trap.  

23:   The Ghost of Christmas Future told me that in 2050 I’ll have to spend 3 months of Social Security buying gifts for 42 kids, grandkids, spouses and great-grandkids.  He suggested a new lifestyle of chain smoking, binge drinking and gluttonous levels of cholesterol.

24: I knew better than to hope for a White Christmas because I wasn’t raised that way. I don’t see color. I am not a racist.

25:   I was very excited this morning when Santa Claus got me what I wanted this year, a brand new shiny Quip Machine.   My old one was getting tired and running out of batteries.

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