Women Can Do Anything Men Can Do, Except Talk About Tight Cutler Spirals

Posted: August 18, 2009 in Sports with Balls
Tags: , , , , ,

In 2009, a third woman, a very bright Latina, ascended to the Supreme Court.  A Madam Speaker pounds her gavel each day in Congress.  For the third time in the last four appointments, a lady runs the State Department.  Terrorism and health care are the glamour topics of the nightly news, and look, there are two women heading both of those positions.   A lady named Merkel has the job formerly held by Kaisers and Hitler, running Germany.   Thatcher, Meir, Gahndi, Aquino and Bhutto were each among the most influential leaders since WWII of their respective countries.    

Women once just captained corporations without Y chromosonal corporate cultures, like Avon and Xerox, now girls give out orders at ADM, Pepsi, and Kraft.   And of course in a category of influence all her own, there is Oprah.

Women can do most anything in this day and age that they set their mind too.      

Jay Cutler shown here with a Golden Arm - Not sure if this spiral was thrown in whisper or whoosh mode.   (A Tribune Photo)

Jay Cutler shown here with a Golden Arm - Not sure if this spiral was thrown in whisper or whoosh mode. (A Tribune Photo)

What should women not do in 2009?   Although, maybe we shouldn’t penalize all women for the foibles of one, it may have become blatantly clear:  Women shouldn’t be penning columns in the Chicago Tribune gushing over how Jay Cutler throws a football.  And that is exactly what Pulitzer Prize winning “Cultural Critic” columnist Julia Keller did recently:  

       *******

      Some say it’s a zip. Others call it a zing or a whoosh or a whisper. Still others claim it’s a whistle.

      A hum, anyone? Do we have a hum in the house?

      When Jay Cutler — or any brawny, big-armed quarterback — throws the ball, there’s a special sound. No two witnesses can quite agree on what to call it, although everybody agrees it’s amazing.

        That’s because an athlete such as Cutler has a magical arm. “A rare arm — very, very rare, a God-given gift,” said Bears general manager Jerry Angelo during training camp last week in Bourbonnais as Cutler’s tight spirals split the air with whip-crack speed.

      *******

Thank you Julia, I have your hum right here in my house.   Really, is this the pressing debate of the NFL preseason?   Is this what readers of the Tribune Sports page are rushing out to the curb to read about?   

Maybe the Tribune could put up a sports poll on its website and find out.     Was that a zip, zing, whoosh, whisper, whistle or hum?   …That’s not what I heard.   I heard more of a zap, a zang, a voop, a flip, and a boom.    …Oh crap, I must admit, I didn’t hear anything, but your words sound better than mine. 

This is a game where writers once used descriptors like groin pull and grid iron, zone blitz, red zone, sack and air attack.

And maybe that’s the point, your love affair with this man with the golden arm violates the secret man crushes that men are having for Jay Cutler and other dumb, arrogant jocks who rack up points each Sunday for our Fantasy teams.   How dare you talk about our boy’s tight spiral like that?

Now, I for one think Cutler himself is a clown, until he does something to prove that he is in fact not a clown.  He has at least as many temper tantrums on and off the field as a toddler wanting a cookie, no make it a cracker.

He comes to the Bears without a playoff appearance and the same amount of Pro Bowls as the most recent former Bronco QB the Bears picked up, Brian Griese.  And, you can’t quite compare his accomplishments yet to that other off-season Diva Watch Gunslinger Brett Farve who at least won a Super Bowl and danced in a closing movie credit with Stiller, Diaz and that guy that lived under Letterman’s stairs.      

This level of man crush being displayed daily for the latest Chicagoan That Hasn’t Done Anything rivals the level of man crush that Chris Matthews of the unwatchable Hardball (no relation to Small Ball Report) has for that other Chicagoan That Hasn’t Done Anything, as he gushes nightly for Obama.

Chicago fans should be wise to not get all excited just yet, but regardless of how well he plays on the field.   One would guess, that there won’t be much of a lively debate over whether his latest touchdown pass was more whooshy or whispery as it whip-cracked through the air.

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