Aliens will Negotiate, but with Humans or Moko the Dolphin?

Posted: May 12, 2009 in This May Scare You

After alien invaders terrorize are cities and towns, and force mass migrations to safety zones in the Western US, the alien leaders will want to negotiate. The question will be who will the other planets GI Joes want to negotiate with – humans or one of earth’s other animal species?

Recent behavior by the human species suggests that our fate might be in the hands of someone without opposable thumbs.

We don’t know how similar the aliens will be to us, so they may quorum the first inter-species focus group since Noah built the Arc. Based on their interviews and other research they may decide that, on balance, mankind is collectively knuckleheaded, and the intelligent life form they were looking for happens to be another of the planet’s animals.

This is not to suggest that the flying saucer pilots will settle in on a negotiation with Mrs. O’Leary’s cow or Clint Eastwood’s “Right Turn” Clyde orangutan, but some animals are smart, even if they may not be book smart.

Moko the Dolphin comes to mind. Moko was a very brainy Kiwi bottlenose dolphin who last year swam up to a nearly beached pygmy sperm whale and her baby calf and whispered something in their ear like, “Follow me sister, I’m hosting a wine tasting party and there is free daycare, it’s just on the other side of that sand bar.”

Had Moko not made a timely appearance, human marine biologists would have been forced to watch mom and calf’s helpless demise. Instead, amazingly the whales followed Moko safely out to sea where the calf was then eaten by a Great White Shark. That last part, I didn’t fact check.

The movie genre Aliens Invade Earth is well entrenched, and it would have you believe that the human leader of the free world, usually depicted as the President of the United States is the person that the aliens negotiate with over the use of our precious resources – like oil, water and Honus Wagner rookie cards.

It may not be a realistic portrayal, however, during the last real alien-like invasion – 9/11 – our President was no where to be found for several hours. One can assume that he was on Air Force One planning our 4th quarter comeback and not gripping over the cliff hanger ending of My Pet Goat.

The movies would also have us believe – as the 1998 comet strikes earth film Deep Impact suggested – that a black man could be Commander-in-chief. But we know that will never happen!

Since movies are the work of humans, it’s natural for human movie makers to cast upright two footed People magazine cover boys in the starring role of intercepting the alien invaders. It probably wouldn’t be big box office to have the Martians invade earth and negotiate with a cocker spaniel, even if I know I saw a preview for that movie once.

The coveted 18 to 55 year old adult demographic tends to stay away from the talking dog, cat and horse films. However, if you are of that age, and are unfortunate enough to have kids like millions of Americans, sometimes you can’t avoid seeing a talking animal on screen occasionally.

Despite the movie depictions, I don’t think the Aliens have settled in yet on which of earth’s species they consider to be their intelligent life adversary.

Consider this: While humans are the only of earth’s species that have taken the time to write medical journals, and train brainy high SAT scoring youngsters how to read cat scans, we still have smart doctors making silly decisions.

Recently, a fertility specialist in California displayed such questionable judgment.

A lady shows up at his office and proclaims the following during the consultation. “I have six children, no job, no husband, and I haven’t got a valentine card since Donnie Wahlberg was the famous Wahlberg. My children are all under six, but only one has special needs. I live with my retired mother and father, but dad hates me so much he’d rather move back to Iraq.”

Doc replies “Well, we still have six of your frozen eggs in the Kenmore in the backroom. Why don’t I thaw them, pluck them out with my 3 foot long needle and stick them up your ass and see if you get pregnant.”

I wasn’t in the room so I’m not sure that’s exactly word for word.

So went the story of Octomom who is like a good college football team, let’s say the USC Trojans, sitting on six points (kids). She was able to convert her second touchdown (six eggs) and a two point conversion (it is common for eggs to split) into 8 points (more kids) to take a 14 point (14 kids) halftime lead on stupidity.

…But, she can be forgiven. Because in our society there are equally high SAT scoring kids that would have become medical doctors had they not pissed themselves when professor asked the class to dissect the baby ardvark. These individuals would change their majors and become Psychologists. A good Psychologist will tell you Octomom is nuts, and here’s her certificate.

They have no such illness to pin Dr. Fertility with, he was just stupid.

Remember there is an alien scout team watching this entire episode, and they are probably asking themselves, who’s smarter Dr. Fertility or Moko the Dolphin? Or more broadly, is human smarter than a dolphin.

They started researching. And when they did do their research, I’m sad to report as a human blogger, although a human blogger that can balance a rubber ball on his nose and jump through a hoop for a sardine, it was not a good outcome for us people.

In one incident the aliens found on Google the story of Pelorus Jack, a Dolphin forbearer of Moko, living off the coast of New Zealand over 100 years ago.

New Zealand has some rough seas especially in the straights around the Admiralty Bay area where Pelorus Jack swam about and Twittered to his friends.

This was a patch of sea that made nervous nillies of rough, tumble ship captains. The rocks, current, and treacherous waters claimed many a ship wreck. And then one day in 1888, Jack appeared in front of a schooner called the Brindle, guiding her through the rough, choppy seas.

For the next 20 years, Jack would reappear leading many a ship through the bay, all of them safely navigating the sea.

That was until someone, perhaps the Kiwi ancestor of Dr. Fertility, aboard the SS Penguin shot at Jack the Dolphin. Luckily people from New Zealand are not noted marksmen and they missed. Jack was not amused, but stewed over the incident for just a couple weeks before he would again return and lead ships through the rough sea.

All ships, that is, except the SS Penguin. And for the next six years, when Jack would see the Penguin, he would avoid the ferry like we avoid the annoying neighbor that you see in a nearby aisle at Target.

Finally, in 1909 without Jack at the lead, the Penguin crashed into rocks and sunk to the bottom of the sea. Sadly, only 30 survivors out of 105 made it to shore. It was the worst maritime accident in the history of New Zealand. (20th century)

This was the first, last and most tragic case of don’t mess with the bad ass dolphin.

While Jack is gone, mysteriously disappearing in 1912, we still have Moko.   Hopefully Moko’s charm and persuasiveness will keep us out of the Alien workcamps, or at the least, get us a light work detail.

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